Don’t forget to tip your stripper

Students will soon be able to strip themselves free of college debt as the city of Platteville plans to construct a dual-sexual strip club where the Shell gas station once stood.
With budget cuts, tuition freezes, employee reduction and public higher education insignificance, students are being offered an opportunity to apply for a part-time, well-paid job at the new Moaning Miner public strip club.
Construction of the strip club has been planned to commence at the end of the semester but the manager is taking applications to look over the next month.
“What we are looking for are ‘well-rounded’ students, if you know what I mean, with huge ambitions to make a quick dollar,” Moaning Miner manager Raul Dedicated said. “As a classy establishment, I need all my bitches and hoes to be top-notch so I can make that bank and help my ‘P-ville’ homies.”
The idea for a strip club came up during the Feb. 14 Platteville City Council meeting. Platteville mayor Chuck English said that there was once a strip club next to the current establishment known as School Girlz and that the poles up on the stage once housed countless naked, sweaty bodies.
“Our former strip club was called the Clammy Cowgirl and that brought in over $10 million in unsubsidized revenue,” English said. “That was of course during the Clinton era, when times were a little more free-spirited and rebellious.”
According to the estimated revenue reports, the Moaning Miner would more than double what the Clammy Cowgirl brought into the community and would supplement the loss of funds the recent budget cuts will have on the Platteville economy.
Melody Schnozgerl, an industrial engineering major, was one of the many applicants for the part-time stripping job.
“I am like so excited about working for Mr. Dedicated. This has always been a low-key passion of mine and I can help my parents pay off my tuition with all the money they plan to pay me,” Schnozgerl said. “Workers a the Moaning Miner start at $25 an hour and they supply each worker with full dental because no one likes to see a naked girl with buck teeth.”
Every Tuesday night will entail a male’s only evening and provide for all those male-on-male enthusiasts in the Platteville community. In attempt to bring in as much profit as possible, the bar will only serve Hamm beer and Ron Diaz rum as their alcoholic beverages.
Dedicated said, “Shit, my main goal in operating this house for hoes is money. I want to be able to provide students, the Platteville community and myself with as much moola as I can. And I believe the Moaning Miner will help with every single debt problem this town has.”