Masked Squirrel Vigilante Nutting All Over Campus
March 29, 2017
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Numerous reports of a masked vigilante being spotted on campus have been made. The identity of the masked hero being dubbed “Super Squirrel” is not known but eye witness reports say that he has been popping up all over campus to thwart wrongdoings.
“I was on my way to class on Monday when these guys grabbed my bag and started running off.” said freshman reclamation major Courtney Pufftail. “Then all of a sudden this guy in a mask with a big fluffy tail jumps out of the trees and tackles the guys to the ground! It was amazing!”
This was just the most recent sighting of said hero. Just last week he was spotted doing battle with a costumed crook calling himself “The Denutter.”
“I remember that! The guy just showed up out of nowhere and started threatening to take away all the squirrels nuts on campus!” junior environmental engineering major Derrick Trehaus said. “He started cutting down trees and everything! That’s when Super Squirrel showed up and started beating on him with his tail! It was so cool!” The Denutter was soon arrested after Super Squirrel left him tied up on a nearby tree.
Not all citizens and students believe the appearance of this mysterious masked hero to be a good thing however. There are some who see Super Squirrel as nothing more than a masked menace on the UW-Platteville campus.
“How do we know this guy can be trusted? He’s just some masked lunatic running around nutting up our great campus!” senior psychology major Peter B. Jamm said. “What do we actually know about this guy? Nothing! Who are his parents? What do they think of their son running around campus in a costume beating people up? Does he even go to school here? He could be an alien for all we know!” Jamm has since started a crusade against the masked vigilante by starting a petition to have authorities remove him from campus and ban all other forms of vigilantism from campus.
At the time of this report, not much is known about the masked individual, nor do we know the extent of his abilities, if he has any. All that seems to be known is that he wears a squirrel themed costume, complete with fully functioning tail, nut shaped projectile weapons and basic fighting training. There have been reports that super hero teams are considering recruiting the young man, such as the Avengers or possibly teaming up with the Power Rangers. Whoever this masked hero is, I bet he’s handsome and really cool and totally not just trying to impress girls with the costume since he already gets plenty of girls that want to date him. (I mean I don’t know him or anything but I just imagine that).