The ever-wise Cady Heron, from the 2004 hit film Mean Girls, once said, “In the regular world, Halloween is when children dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total      slut and no other girls can say anything about it.”

However, there is something very wrong about this statement and that is it completely overlooks a man’s right to dress like a complete prostitute on this most festive of holidays.

In an attempt to correct this injustice of gender inequality, Dennis Shields, Chancellor of the University of Wisconsin-Platteville, along with Paul Erickson, Director of University Information and Communications, sent out a staff-wide e-mail stating it mandatory that all male staff members report to their Friday classes wearing the seductive Halloween costume of their choice.

This new rule was put into place to increase male participation in UW-Platteville staff’s annual sluttiest Halloween costume contest.

“I think this is a great way to increase holiday spirit,” Shields said. “Plus, it’s about time I get to show off these great legs of mine.”

Shields and Erickson have devised a plan to wear matching Sexy Ebola Nurse costumes.

“I personally think my HAZMAT dress is more flattering than Denis’s,” Erickson said. “I sent out an e-mail survey with pictures of both us, and I was picked as the hotter one.”

Erickson went on to say that only one person opened the e-mail and actually took the survey, but that it still says a lot.

Arthur Ranney, Chair of the Media Studies Department, had planned to keep his costume a secret but said the excitement has gotten the best of him.

“I’m going to be Catwoman,” Ranney said. “This costume has been passed down in my family for generations. Not only do I love cats, I personally own 37, but the full-body, leather ensemble will go great with my motorcycle.”

Men all across campus are taking notice by going out to the few crappy stores in Platteville to purchase their costume accessories.

Mike Emendorfer, Pioneer football head coach, anticipates he will have the absolute skankiest costume on campus by showing up as a sexy Whitewater Warhawk, complete with purple hotpants.

“I’m competitive by nature so I will win the costume contest,” Emendorfer said. “I’m even going the extra mile by showing up to Saturday’s game against Whitewater still sporting my costume. It’ll almost be like a classic walk of shame or, but it’ll actually be more like a stride of pride.”

Such ruthless dress-up competition can be blamed on the grand prize, valued at over $100,000 plus one human soul, of having the winner’s personal e-mail account switched from Office 365 back to Zimbra.

“I better win this contest,” said Dr. Robert Snyder, professor of media studies. “Have you seen this new sh*t? I hate it. I even like Dumb Tool better.”

Snyder is going as a sexy Chicago Bears football player, because everyone knows that is his favorite team.

Whether a male or female wins this year’s contest, one thing is for sure that the professors of UW-Platteville will be sporting the year’s worst, sexy Halloween costume fails.