The epidemic has struck again. The Exponent staff members have been diagnosed with a lethal, highly contagious virus. A similar virus took over the staff last spring but the virus appears to be back with a vengeance. Symptoms include a slowed heart rate, loss of brain activity and an appetite for human flesh.

Symptoms were first spotted and reported by Casey Carignan, senior media studies student who is sometimes found working with the Exponent staff. Carignan called authorities immediately after witnessing Editor-in-Chief Alyssa Bloechl lunge at News Editor Gerrad Frei, and try to rip his arm off. Carignan said that she immediately closed the door to the newsroom and instructed janitor Bob Williams to secure it so that occupants of the newsroom could not get out. In the meantime, she called the Platteville Police.

“I panicked. Rachael and Colten were in there too but I didn’t have time to think to get them out first. I just wanted to make sure that no one outside of the newsroom would be hurt or infected,” said Carignan.

Rachael Shaff, Student Life Editor, and Colten Bartholomew, Sports Editor, were indeed in the newsroom at the time events took place. Frei attacked Shaff as she attempted a run for the door, while Bloechl leaped off a table onto 6’5” Bartholomew and sunk her teeth into his ear, ripping it off.

As Carignan was on the phone with the Platteville Police, Bartholomew tore the locked door off of its hinges, releasing the infected staff members into the hallways of Russell Hall. Carignan and janitor Williams ran for it, instructing others to do the same.

In the three hours it took university and city officials to contain the affected students, five more students were infected. These students include Shawn McClain, Caroline Lundberg, Hannah Palmer, Stacy Heiling, and Matthew Ahasay. All students infected happen to work for the student newspaper. After three terrifying hours of containing the infected students, all nine infected students are now quarantined in a private location. No further information on the status of the student’s health has been released.

University Administration refused to comment but rumor has it that they are just glad they finally have an excuse to avoid the Exponent staff members like the plague.