Saint Patrick’s Day is celebrated each year on March 17 in remembrance of the Patron Saint of Ireland. It was initially created by the Roman Catholic Church in Ireland as a holy day of obligation, however, this holiday is also widely celebrated as a secular celebration of the Irish culture. The shamrock’s association to the holiday is Catholicism’s symbol for the holy trinity to the Irish.

In America, much of the population, if not all, like to disregard the true meaning behind Saint Patrick’s day and call themselves Irish for the day simply to get hammered off of green beer. This year on March 17, students and residents of Platteville united these festivities amongst themselves at the bars.

Green on green on green were the prideful colors all around – Green everything. An Irish exchange student on Second Street, Totes Magotes, expressed his Irish pride by stating the following, “If you don’t want to kiss me because I’m Irish, that’s fine, I get that, but you’re wrong and I hate you.” Unfortunately for many UW-Platteville students and Gretchen Wieners, senior cosmetic surgery major, St. Patrick’s Day ended horribly.

At approximately 1:45a.m. School Girlz shut down early due to an intense brawl between Regina George, Ronda Rousey, and Gretchen Wieners. The fight left a bouncer on an ambulance to the hospital, broken bottles of alcohol all over the floor, and blood dripping from the faces of these women. The Platteville Police Department now had to investigate what triggered this bar fight.

After a long and meticulous interrogation on the three suspects, Ronda Rousey confessed after being threatened to have her gym membership cancelled forever.

“I don’t know much about the fight except that I won,” said Rousey, “But I would talk to Gretchen Wieners. She knows everybody’s business. She knows everything about everyone. That’s why her hair is so big, it’s full of secrets.”

As helpful as Ronda Rousey was about the bar fight, she wasn’t. She knew absolutely nothing about the fight except that she sent a 200lb. muscle-built bouncer to the hospital. Therefore, this investigation was almost completely pointless, until Gretchen Wieners finally came clean.

“I was trying to get a green apple pucker shot to celebrate St. Patrick’s day,” said Wieners, “but the bar tender gave four shots to Glenn Coco, then walked right passed me and said ‘And none for Gretchen Wieners, bye!’ So then I assumed that he didn’t give me a shot because he was jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I’m so popular.”

Wieners then told the police officers that she threw a beer bottle at Regina George’s head because she was personally victimized by Regina. Furthermore, the Police Department came to the conclusion that these fights were the works of notorious mass drama-queen, Regina George. Regina agreed to confess and spoke on the event in which she started.

“School Girlz is so pathetic,” said George, “Let me tell you something about Gretchen Wieners. We were best friends in high school. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then in college, I started going out to School Girlz, which was totally fun, but then it got sketchy and Gretchen was like weirdly jealous of me going. Like, if I would blow her off to go to School Girlz, she’d be like, ‘Why didn’t you call me back?’ And I’d be like, ‘Why are you so obsessed with me?’ So then, for my birthday party, which was on Wednesday night, Ladies Night, I was like, ‘Gretchen, I can’t invite you, because on Wednesdays we wear pink.’ I mean I couldn’t have a non-pink clothed girl at my party. There were going to be girls there wearing pink. I mean, right? She was a wearing GREEN. So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so stupid. And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the Fall semester, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she’s on crack.”

Again, this investigation on the Saint Patrick bar fight was not even remotely effective. Per usual, the drama within School Girlz occurred due to the excessive alcohol abuse, the jealousy of girls, and the encouragement of their peers to continue the fighting.

One thing that is for certain was that these girls were mistaken for Platteville students, when they were indeed residents of Dubuque, Iowa. Regardless, the Platteville council and Police Department are now discussing the consequences for these recent events to have bar close at midnight.

After hearing this possible consequence, an irritated UW-Platteville student, Damien Franzese, senior art major added, “THEY DON’T EVEN GO HERE!”