The University of Wisconsin System, also known as “The Crown Jewel” of the state of Wisconsin, will never ever have to worry about money again. The entire UW-system can thank the soon-to-be-evaporated Media Studies Department.
In his last official act as department chairman, Art Ranney announced plans for a new multi-billion dollar revenue stream.
“Porn,” said Ranney. “We’re launching our own studio, Pioneer Pornos.”
“The beauty of this is we can utilize existing facilities, equipment, crew, and talent right here on campus.  I think it’s called ‘cost recovery,’= which can really, really work! Our studio is so ginormous that we can have three films in production simultaneously.  That makes cross-over opportunities a real possibility.”
Before the department shrivels to a shell, Media Studies faculty are furiously crafting important rules. For example, actors must be at least 21-years old and conscious when they report to work. Condoms will be mandatory and recycled. To prevent online leaks, crew members will have to sign a waiver promising to leave their smartphones at the studio door.
“Pioneer Condoms is a real tie-in possibility for more revenue,” said Vice Chancellor for Money, Tracy Lords.
Doc S. will serve as producer and director for the new studio.
“We ain’t doin’ butt-sex films, we’ll keep it classy,” said S. “I do have a genius idea that’ll employ the M, a drone, and getting shattered 45 times in 17 days.”
In the spirit of the farcical merger between Media Studies and the College of Business, the School of Accounting Pirates and Thieves is working on a profit-sharing plan.
“My guess is UW-Madison will receive the smallest cut,” said accounting Professor Bobber Whiteboi. “They wanna ditch us any way, so they can just suck it.”
In keeping with university policy, each movie will begin with a disclaimer that the “views contained” in the production do not reflect the opinion of the Univerity of Wisconsin-Platteville and are not to be taken literally.
UW System President Rice A. Roni predicts that Pioneer Pornos will generate $31 billion in gross profit per year. “Thank the god that somebody finally came up with an original idea to save our collective *stericks,” said Roni.
In a totally unrelated move, Media Studies Professor Mary Rose Williams announced her immediate resignation. Something about making her sick to her stomach.