University Police Mischief Arnold Schwartzenbraunschweiger says his outstanding staff has completed a really important project that will resolve the university’s parking issues and raise desperately needed funds. That’s because after the EPIC FAIL of the “Deans Spend 50-percent of Their Time Raising Money” program, the university is more hard-up than ever for cash.

“After five years of research, we have identified the most underutilized parking space on campus. It’s basically not used at all, ever,” Schwartzenbraunschweiger chortled. “We went undercover and everything to figure this one out! Once the Physical Plant replaces the current pointless sign that marks the unused stall, we will be offering a raffle for a chance to win a free parking spot.

“Unless you have class in Round Tree, it’s actually a primo parking spot. We’ll raise money, someone scores free parking and even better, not having to ticket one stall will reduce our ginormous workload because we can skip the free stall. The governor’s gonna love that bit.”

When asked by The Antagonist if he wanted to clarify how something could be free if one needed to purchase a raffle ticket to qualify, Mischief Schwartzenbraunschweiger cracked under pressure. “LOL Monkey-Nutz!!! What the heck don’t you get?  Free is as free does because it is what it was. Dude, you’re such an idjet. Why you writin’ stuff down? Put that camera away.  Dang, where’s my hidden carry?”

Raffle tickets are $50 each, or five for $278. Raffle tickets are sold on a first-come first-serve basis and are limited in supply. Funds from the raffle will go toward mopping the floors twice a month in the recently renamed Trump Tower.

The free parking in the currently unused stall will be good for the 2016-2017 academic year. Please see the accompanying photographic illustration for the exact location because it’s pretty hard to describe in words. There is no time limit on the free stall.