Platteville’s eternal chill

Winter is here… and it Won’t Leave

Unfortunately, this year’s winter season can’t, as Elsa would say, ‘Let it go.’ The never-ending snow has forced students inside and away from classes as campus works on a solution. Even now that the snow seemingly has melted, students and staff are still on the lookout for when the next storm will hit. 

“I heard that we like, got our own Elsa or something. Which is like really cool. School was never cancelled but now it has been. I haven’t been to class in like 3 weeks, I’ve gotten so much sleep. It’s been awesome,” junior interpretive dance major Elle Sleepsalot said. 

The paper reminded her that class had only been officially cancelled for three days. She ran away crying towards her professors’ offices in hopes of raising her grade.

After a thorough investigation, the newspaper is pleased to report that we have found the culprit of this never-ending winter. It is the mad science professor, Dr. Shivers. He brought us in for a top-secret interview where he explained how he became the next Disney princess.

“I am better than Elsa, you see. She couldn’t control her powers, she accidently sent her home into an eternal winter, but with me, I purposefully did this. All the snow and cold was all my doing and I did it with my Shivers and snow machine! Kind of looks like an umbrella and a vacuum cleaner had a baby. With this machine I will be the princess of Platteville!” Dr. Shivers said. 

Dr. Shivers has turned on his device multiple times through this winter and explained that all he had to do was hit his creation really hard with a wrench. Once he did that the machine turned on and snowflakes shot up into the sky and spread across the clouds. They eventually came down and created large amounts of snow. 

“The one mistake I made was when I turned my machine too cold, that’s what caused the polar vortex. I didn’t mean for that to happen. All I wanted was for students to be able to play in the snow whenever they wanted,” said Dr. Shivers.

Students throughout campus have begged Dr. Shivers to stop with his experimentation with winter but to no avail. He proceeds on with his never-ending winter.

“I’m kind of scared to be honest. I never know when winter will hit and I really hate the cold. I think Dr. Shivers needs to get fired or maybe the government needs to get involved, I don’t know but I do know I am sick and tired of this cold,” said senior napping major Tilly Travers.

It is unknown when Dr. Shivers will officially put his machine to rest and end this winter. Hold on for this cold ride.