A press release from the U.S. Department of Grammar has revealed that Cornelius Comma age 550 and his cousin Oxfordius Comma age 120 were both assassinated after Oxfordius’s Beverly Hills mansion was vaporized by unidentified assailants. They were known for their roles as “Comma” and “Oxford Comma” respectively serving as arguably the most important punctuation marks next to the period.
Neighbors had complained about a loud noise around 2:30 a.m. on Oct. 19 almost sounding as though a bomb went off. A single eyewitness of the event claimed that they saw three people dressed in all black delivering a single package at Comma’s doorstep before running away and giggling. A few moments later the package exploded atomizing the entirety of their property.
“It was so cool” the eyewitness explained. “Like the whole building just like boom! And it was gone! They should do this more often!”
This came only weeks after AP Stylebook Manager Andrew Press was caught on camera expressing disdain for Oxfordius Comma during what was meant to be a private meeting between higher-standing members of the Stylebook Revision Committee.
After news broke of the assassination Andrew Press confessed to organizing their demise though he refused to name the assailants. “I can’t believe what I’ve done. I’m so sorry” he stated in a confession to federal police. Mr. Press was unaware of Cornelius’ presence at the Beverly Hills mansion as he was there visiting during a business trip. “A world without commas is a world in which I refuse to live in” he continued. “I only meant to take out Oxfordius my disdain for that rat is immeasurable. But Cornelius? He was an angel. Gone too soon and all because of me.”
The D.O.G. have since been seeking replacements for Cornelius and Oxfordius though no proposals have yet been decided upon. The most popular proposal has been to simply employ Emilia Dash known for her role as em dash as the new comma. “I was already phasing out those neanderthals anyways—I’m literally just better” she stated. Other less popular proposals include using dollar signs forwards and backwards slashes carets or even asterisks. The use of Tironian Et was also considered though no one knows if she is even alive at this point.
Members of the Punctuation family have begun making statements online on Cornelius and Oxfordius lamenting their demise. “He was my brother. I even can’t begin to process this” Pharell Period stated on Instagram. “If Aldus Manutius were alive right now there’d be heads rolling.”
Some weren’t as upset by the news as seen by Pontificus Certitude known as his role for the rarely used certitude point. “Finally” he said in a Facebook live stream “I was sick of those idiots. They always took the limelight from me! They probably did hard drugs or something too⹄” Interrobang one of the youngest members in the Punctuation family simply responded “Bruh‽” in a TikTok comment section in reaction to the news.
A public memorial will be held for Cornelius and Oxfordius in the coming weeks with a private funeral being held this weekend. Though neither will be buried as their entire beings were micronized in the blast.