Exponent

Electronic cigarettes help alleviate stress for mankind and machines alike

Orville Frattenbacher

April 3, 2013

Looking at the clock in the office and it informs you that it is 3:30 pm  and your cubicle has begun to close in on you. Five supervisors have come through periodically  asking for the same report with the same corrections....

LeBron visits Platteville

Rick James, B*tch

April 3, 2013

Miami Heat star forward LeBron James took an unexpected detour through Platteville Monday.  James stopped on his way to Milwaukee on his “I’m LeBron, Please Love Me Tour,” also known as the NBA regular season. James...

And on St.Patty’s Day we wear RED

Peter North

April 3, 2013

Saint Patrick’s Day is celebrated each year on March 17 in remembrance of the Patron Saint of Ireland. It was initially created by the Roman Catholic Church in Ireland as a holy day of obligation, however, this holiday is also...

PASS balls up, new classroom required

Monkee King

April 3, 2013

The usually reliable PASS registration system has really done it this time. Due to what is being called a “programming error” 4,666 students were allowed to enroll in the same section of “Psychology of Human Sexuality,”...

Newsy Brief

Cato Tag

April 3, 2013

Tower Mystery Revealed: Cato Tag Years of speculation have ended following an in-depth investigation by the Antagonist into why the windows in Pioneer Tower only open a few inches. Sources on the upper floors have revealed...

Faculty Senate being jerk offs

Sally LeDouche

April 3, 2013

Faculty Senate delays availability of legally open records, tells Exponent to stick it. The Senate has postponed releasing an audio record of the most boring Senate meeting in history, to the Exponent, despite the wording of...

Physical activity promotes pollution

Orville Frattenbacher

April 3, 2013

Consider this, you are trekking along on your beloved Specialized, feeling the wind in your dreads, high off of the notion that you are saving the environment from the horrible emissions of your rusted-out boat of a ‘97 Oldsmobile,...

10,000 steps? More like 10,000 calories at UW-P

Trust me, I’m Blonde

April 3, 2013

Student Health Services is hosting yet another 10,000 step program at University of Wisconsin-Platteville.  Instead of students participating in this program, they are sitting in Platters stuffing their faces with its so-called...

New TV cameras thrill TV5

Monkee King

April 3, 2013

New television cameras have been installed in the university’s TV station. The flip-style, adapter friendly mini-USB port cameras, manufactured by Zenith, feature 512K RAM and a shiny metallic shell.  The scratch-proof,...

Student Senate demands more control over student body

Granny Clampett

April 3, 2013

The University of Wisconsin-Platteville Student Senate has passed a rule requiring all students to have a personal tracking device implanted in their frontal lobe before Saturday, April 20. The device known as the P-Chip will...

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Antagonist