Huck L. Berry
Friday, 25 Oct. A stark-white goose has been spotted around campus causing mischief wherever it goes and leaving many wondering just how long this torment will last. Just today, the goose stole a stack of midterms from the Humanities Department and distributed them across the cemetery near campus, on top of tripping several students attempting to reach the Engineering Hall. Many want the goose removed by any means necessary, but is it truly such a menace?
According to some experts, the goose may not be here to disrupt human activity directly, but rather, to deliver us from the tyranny of the squirrels, who have long controlled the region, by any means necessary. The consequences befalling the population are, therefore, collateral damage, which the goose does not fully understand.
“It’s not that he’s evil. He just lacks empathy, which leads him to commit atrocities,” said squirrel-goose war professor Gabriel Goosedacker, a man with a very cool name.
We at the Exponent decided to investigate this claim for ourselves in an interview with the goose. After about an hour of aggressive wing flapping and stealing our equipment, the goose had this to say:
“HONK!! Honk, honk, honk! HONK!!!”
Clearly, we have misunderstood the purpose of the goose’s presence. While it is true that he is disruptive and steals everything he can get his beak on, there seems to be at least some truth to the claims against the squirrels. Several people have witnessed the direct action by the goose to ward off squirrels lying in wait for unwitting students.
“That goose is a hero. Most people don’t appreciate the fact that it’s saved more than a few meals from those greedy squirrels – mine personally a few times. All it asks in return is a little mayhem,” sophomore sesquitology major Hoomanman Notagoos.
Whether or not we want to accept it, the goose is here to liberate us from the squirrels who have long reigned over the campus. The goose will likely leave the population alone once his tasks are complete. Until then, we must accommodate his chaotic strategy. If not, we could summon the wrath of the entire goose army – and then we would all know the meaning of chaos.