Time. Does it exist? …………. No. No it does not. I am writing this at 1:26 a.m. And, guess what, I feel great! I’m alive! I’m breathing! I’ve been chewing the same piece of gum for what feels like three minutes. However, the clock says I’ve been chewing it for two hours and 47 minutes. You’d think the flavor would be gone. It is, but that doesn’t prove anything.
Anyway, my point is that time does not exist in quarantine. Want to know my daily routine?? Here, I’ll show you. I wake up about 30 minutes before my first class of the day. That is usually somewhere around 10 am. Then, in a rush of panicked adrenaline, I make my coffee, brush my teeth, and sign on to my virtual Zoom class ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
From 10 a.m. to 5 p.m., I fluctuate between this plane of existence and the weird place I go when I dissociate. My dissociated realm looks a lot like Florida. I do not know why.
Every once in a while, I come out of this dissoci-state (of Florida) to find my professors – and the two students with their cameras on – staring in awe at me through their screens. I ask them why. They say I’ve been chanting “PANCAKE” for the last five minutes. I remember palm trees, nothing else.
From 5 p.m. to 8 p.m., I vegetate. I’m talking space heater on, blinds closed, curtains closed, lights off, Adventure Time T-shirt on and YouTube ON AUTOPLAY.
Three hours in, I’m watching a man whose face I still have yet to see sandblast an antique German bread slicer from 1938. How does he get the metal so shiny? How doesn’t he run out of sand? I have no idea. I stare in awe as my tummy starts to grumble. Have I eaten today? Who can remember?
I sneak like the little gremlin I am to the kitchen. My roommate waves at me. I wave back. We talk about the stock market, wage theft and her infamous chicken socks for five minutes. I make Campbell’s chicken noodle soup (not sponsored).
After I have rinsed out the single Walmart pot I’ve used every day since freshmen year, I march my little gremlin butt back into my den and turn the space heater off for the night. Now, it’s time to start the homework assignments I have due at midnight.
Do I procrastinate for weeks only to self-medicate on adrenaline while I cram for an exam? None of your beeswax. Now, it’s 1:41 a.m. This is what I’m talking about. Writing this entire stream-of-consciousness mess took me (calculating….calculating….calculating) 15 minutes. What even is time?
This last weekend I slept for 16 hours straight. And you thought humans couldn’t hibernate. What can I say? I’ve always been one for breaking boundaries.
– P.S. I hate you, Elon Musk.