Informants inside Campus Dining Services have revealed to the Antagonist that Haus will be receiving new, more convoluted updates that take longer for both employees and diners. “We’re dealing with a burger crisis here,” said Head of Haushold Burr Grrman. “Students are getting their burgers fast and loose; that’s just not what we’re about.”
Two-factor DUO authentication will be required for each student using the mobile order system. For those using the kiosk, a retina scan will be required to ensure students are using their own ID. Those paying with credit card must enter their social security number.
Student athletes will be given priority in the ordering process. Student athlete tickets will be specially noted, with employees instructed to finish them first. As Grrman stated, “We need student athletes or else we completely lose the sports bar feel.”
In order to retain student attention on the television, Dining Services will hire a “Subway Surfer” who will continuously stream their Subway Surfers gameplay between the Impractical Jokers and South Park TVs. Applications can be found on Handshake.
To reduce the mess, all sauces will come in prepackaged single-use plastic containers that diners can grab. The sauce-filling machine cost Dining Services $50,000 and requires weekly maintenance. Trash cans will be placed 10 feet apart from each other across the entire restaurant to deter littering.
All meals will be priced on a curve based on the highest and lowest amount of dining dollars that diners have in their accounts to keep meals affordable. Upcharges will still cost the same. Those with a rewards card are allowed to build up visits to exchange for free to-go boxes.
Haus is also unveiling their diet program, Hausly. These will include healthier options, such as boiled burgers and unseasoned chicken. Buns are not included on the menu, and each meal is served with the option of a side salad or unsalted fries.
The announcement of these changes has kickstarted mass retaliation from the student body. The Calientes line has tripled, and Haus employee saliva rates in food have gone up 40%. “Just give me the guacamole back,” A disgruntled employee remarked. “I don’t even care about the rest of this. I just want the Grunch back.”
