Dear Editor. Yes, you. You know who I am talking to. I am writing this as a formal complaint, as I have an issue with you that I’ve decided to air out in public, not following AP format, because I hate you.
Your eating habits, they’re insane, ludicrous. You seem to enjoy your pistachios. You enjoy them so much, in fact, you’ve decided everyone else in this office should know too. I can hear you eating across the room, probably from the other floors too. They say that in space, no one can hear you scream, but they sure can hear your open-mouth chewing of fancy nuts. However, I do not wish to hear you viciously obliterating your stupid nuts. Nobody does.
However, we are both grown adults, which is why I suggest we settle this as gentlemen. I have emailed you my Venmo to which you shall post $16.80 as compensatory damages. I have arrived at this amount by calculating each and every pistachio you’ve eaten, adding $0.10 for each one. Yes, you did in fact eat 168 pistachios last production night, and yes, I did in fact count each one, as you so violently destroyed them that it was all I could possibly do. I didn’t copy edit the papers by the way; I just looked at them blankly for a minute or two before passing them on.
If you cannot afford the fine which I have levied against you, I also offer split payments of four segments, $4.20 each, posted weekly to my house by check. Though I must inform you, if you are late by even one second for a payment, I will know, and I will impose a 5% increase upon your due payment for each hour I do not receive my compensation.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, Mr. Editor. I will not be taking any time, however, to copy edit this. And by the way, the graphic I sent you that goes along with this letter has been edited to contain an unreasonable amount of junk data. It is roughly 10.7GB in size. Have fun loading that into InDesign.
