The Universities of Wisconsin-Platteville made the bold decision to shut down all campus dining facilities, effective immediately.
The plan titled “Operation Starve the Complaints” was announced on Oct. 31 via email by the university’s official bad news representative, Amy Stake, who claimed it was the only “logical response” after years of relentless criticism about the food quality.
The Antagonist asked Stake to provide evidence of the criticism that the university had received, and she provided four screenshots of a Dining Services feedback form where a couple members of the student body stated that food on campus “wasn’t that good” and that Dining Services “fell off.”
“The reality is, we can’t win,” Stake stated in a hastily arranged press conference following student backlash. “Students complained about overcrowded seating, long lines, questionably cooked chicken and the bland mac n’ cheese. We figured, ‘Hey, no food, no complaints!’”
The university has assured students that this is all a part of an exciting new initiative aimed at promoting “self-sufficiency and mindfulness” and that in place of traditional dining, they encourage students to forage in Memorial Park, connect with nature and learn essential survival skills.
Reactions from the student body have been divided with one sophomore student, Paige Turner, stating, “honestly, it’s kind of a relief; the Markee has never been this quiet now that nobody is here, and I no longer have to pretend to like the mac n’ cheese at Elbows!”
Other students are less enthusiastic. “I get the food was bad, but I didn’t think they’d just get rid of it altogether,” said a senior, Saad Maan, who had just renewed his meal plan for his final semester. “What am I supposed to do now? They won’t even give me a refund for my dining dollars.”
Students with meal plans are expected to use the vending machines on campus. The university stated they partnered with local companies to ensure at least one machine on campus is always stocked with stale pretzels and saltine crackers. When students asked if that meant vending machines now accepted dining dollars as a form of payment, university officials just looked confused and started whispering to themselves.
In an email to students, Chancellor Pioneer Pete expressed hope that the new food-free campus would help students build resilience. “We believe this challenge will help you grow as individuals. Remember, it’s not the dining hall that defines you, it’s the person you become while navigating this culinary wasteland.”
More discussions have been erupting on campus that this move might just be the first of several radical changes at UW-Platteville. Rumors have begun to arise that UW-Platteville is considering shutting down the dorms next year in favor of a “back-to-basics” approach where students must set up their own tents.
Students are still required to pay for their meal plan and housing, regardless of any more horrible changes the university makes to them.
