The body of a runner was discovered on Feb. 29 underneath the Bridgeway Bridge surrounded by partially eaten heads of lettuce.
Authorities are calling this “the most confusing crime in Platteville since that one time someone stole a cow from Dairy Days.” Platteville police were called to the scene around 5:30 a.m. by another jogger.
The jogger had thought the lettuce was a part of some weird new composting initiative the university was starting, before he tripped over the body of the deceased runner, formally identified as Kaz Bresnan, 21. Bresnan was a known regular on running trails, who frequently enjoyed jogging after 2 a.m. through Greenwood cemetery and memorial park.
The cause of death was found to be blunt force trauma to the back of the head. Police believe Bresnan was hit with something similar in size to a softball or dodgeball and had died instantly. They failed to confirm or deny whether or not the partially eaten heads of lettuce were being considered a murder weapon.
“We can’t say for sure whether the lettuce was brought here by the victim, a suspect or just someone passing through,” stated officer Mia Ham.
The lettuce was taken into evidence, with one police officer being overheard asking if he was allowed to take some for his lunch.
Cameras show Bresnan was last seen alive earlier that morning, at 1:37 a.m. leaving Southwest Hall. He appeared to begin his normal jogging route wearing black shorts, a gray hoodie and a t-shirt with the saying “Run Fast, Eat Grass” which in retrospect now seems disturbingly prophetic.
UW Platteville students have already dubbed the death “The Caesar Slaying,” and posted photoshopped pictures of Bresnan’s body surrounded by salad dressing bottles. Rumors have begun circulating the campus of a potential serial killer.
“I heard the guy who died was vegetarian,” stated a senior in Zoology, “that’s probably why the serial killer targeted him.”
University officials have vehemently denied any serial killers on campus but have placed heavy security around every salad bar, just to be safe.
In the meantime, police are asking anyone with information related to the killing to come forward.
