Another executive order was announced by Tonald Drump that mandates all commercial airline pilots be “actively, aggressively polyamorous,” by 2026. The hope is that polyamorous pilots would have better communication with each other and return to the traditional values of commercial airlines where all pilots had two separate families on opposite sides of the country.
The intended goal of this order is to prevent plane crashes after the 18 deadly plane crashes that happened since Drump’s re-election. The crashes could possibly be attributed to the fact that a month into his presidency on Valentine’s Day, the Drump administration fired hundreds of employees of the Federal Aviation Administration. The FAA is responsible for certifying safety compliance for passenger fights and bolstering air communication and safety. Prior to Drump’s re-election, the last deadly passenger plane crash in the United States was in 2009.
Many critics were concerned over what was perceived as Drump’s utter lack of regard towards the plane crashes, but the president attempted to ease concerns with his most recent press briefing. “Look, folks, the planes are crashing, okay? They’re crashing— terrible crashes, very sad— since I came back. People say to me, ‘Sir, how do we stop this?’ And I say; Easy! Polyamorous pilots— the best lovers, the best communicators, tremendous stamina. Nobody crashes a plane when they have three girlfriends texting them at once. Believe me,” Drump stated.
Drump is confident that reviving “traditional American values” in the aviation industry will restore Americans’ confidence in airline travel.
“Back in my day, pilots had families on both coasts— wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, you name it. Now? We have pilots going home to just one spouse. If a pilot starts thinking like that the plane is going to crash. Sad!”
According to the 23-page Executive Order, all pilots will be required to demonstrate “active polyamorous engagement” through verified dating apps, secret second apartments and at least one awkward conversation around the holidays every year.
The order also argues that “pilots who can manage multiple relationships can surely manage a Boeing 747.” The document cites “emotional intelligence,” and “schedule coordination” as critical skills learned through polyamory that would “absolutely, 100 percent, probably prevent in-flight mishaps.”
The FAA, which reportedly was left entirely out of the drafting process, issued a short statement reading “We are reviewing the Executive Order and seeking immediate clarification as to whether or not this is a prank.”
Critics of this Executive Order have come forward, citing evidence that what Drump is advocating for isn’t polyamory, it’s just cheating. When this issue was brought to the Drump Administration, the only reply was a dismissive “what’s the difference?”
Telania Drump has yet to comment.
“This is about bringing back the real American dream,” said Drump spokesperson Inspector Gadget at a White House press briefing. “A dream where every pilot juggles three partners, a mortgage and a midlife crisis, all while safely landing a plane carrying 400 people. If that’s not American, I don’t know what is.”
