Cheddar – Ah, the Industry Standard™. Basic. Uneventful. Harmless. It’ll be nice to you during your 15-minute lunch break. 5/10.
Aged Cheddar – Great for people who like to feel dehydrated. Mmm, mmm, good. 6/10.
Muenster – I don’t think this cheese has its wants or aspirations figured out. Kinda seems like a child who walked away from their parents at a supermarket and got lost. 5/10.
Goat – Listen, the slab of slightly thickened goat milk isn’t as good as everyone keeps saying. Mid at best. 4/10.
Brie – So remarkable. Yet, somehow, so deeply, deeply unremarkable all the same. 4/10.
Havarti – It’s simply trying to be too many things. But dang, it sure knows flavor. 7/10.
Provolone – Doesn’t really add much to the conversation, does it? But at least it’s trying. 5.5/10.
Mozzarella – Eh. 5/10.
Feta – I think it’s literally only ever been good in salads. On its own? 2/10 TOPS. Mixed into something? Could make it to a 9/10 if it wakes up on the right side of the bed.
Gouda – Darling, what even IS this cheese? It’s full of flavor but rarely recognized for all its accomplishments. It’s the straight-A student involved in clubs and community service but who just keeps getting ignored by the rest of the family because it’s the middle child of seven. 8/10.
Asiago – I guess it’s good on bagels. 6/10.
Swiss – Oh, you like eating something that feels like it was locked in a dungeon for the entirety of the European Renaissance? 7/10.
Parmesan – No, you see, I actually love having to scrape this rock-hard brick into tiny, little pieces every time I want my plate of spaghetti to taste 9% more elaborate. 7.5/10.