The newest model of the StarsX rocket has combusted after liftoff on Friday night. This spacecraft, dubbed the “Awesomesauce Aviator” by StarsX CEO Xelon Xusk himself, violently exploded and annihilated itself not 30 seconds after lifting off the ground, blowing up in the stratosphere. This is just one of many StarsX rockets to fulminate in recent months, with the past two having exploded just days prior to the Awesomesauce Aviator’s demise.
An insider at StarsX reported to the Antagonist what occurred in the control room the night of the crash and the events prior to it. However, they wished to remain anonymous out of fear of execution. “I’ve seen what they do to whistleblowers. They did in my buddy Steven; the judge ruled it a suicide. You don’t do that to yourself. You can’t. No way. I’m so serious right now they killed him in a way I didn’t know was possible. Please don’t print my name.” Luckily, our insider had $529 in cash upon their arrival to the interview, and as such will remain anonymous.
“It was doomed before it even launched,” the anonymous employee stated. “I watched an engineer descend into hysterics while loosening random screws on the elevons and I did nothing to stop it.”
The night of the launch was reportedly tense. An hour before the planned launch, the firing room was still missing members, notably their Launch Director. “He died a couple days ago after his Xybertruck careened off a bridge and people just kinda forgot and didn’t replace him,” our source stated. “But Xusk himself was with us in the firing room and no one wanted to lose their job, so we just kinda did it anyways.” Thus, they defaulted on a “go” decision, marking the shuttle for launch.
Not a full minute after lift-off, the vessel burst into flames before exploding into debris. Our source describes the team’s reactions as ambivalent. “We kinda knew it was gonna do that. No one really cared. The name was dumb anyway. An aviator is the pilot, not the vessel. It doesn’t even make sense.”
When asked about Xusk’s reaction, our source told us, “(He) was the only person to really react. He started cheering and doing this weird little jump when it blew up, so I guess he liked it.”
Our source also tells us of an anecdote taking place shortly after the failed launch, where camera footage of a piece of falling debris obliterating a passing deer was recovered, to which Xusk began to “point and belly laugh before falling onto the ground,” saying it was “just like that awesome meme” and how he “has to post a Xeet about this.”
Concerns were in fact raised about the aircraft’s safety by the FAA after the two previous launches failed but were met with extreme criticism from Xusk, who had stated, “I am become epic meme” in a press release before relinquishing the FAA of half of their yearly funds and exiling the head chair from the country, something he apparently can do now.
The next StarsX shuttle launch is expected to take place around May or June of this year, with rumors surrounding the launch stating that the shuttle explosion will be at least twice as big this time around.