Many of you may have noticed that the squirrels on this campus are quite friendly, perhaps too friendly.  These fuzzy critters are adorable with their attempts to gain snacks and friendship from unsuspecting students.  Many have been seen approaching young freshmen new to campus, following them to and from class, tugging at their helpless homesick heartstrings.  We must warn students that said squirrels are not household pets and should not be fed.  Do not under any circumstances handle the campus squirrels, put them in your backpack, or hide them in your dorm room.

Some may laugh at our warnings, however, according to several witnesses, squirrels have been living the lap of luxury in our campus housing facilities thanks to frivolous freshmen.  In one report, a concerned roommate contacted this reporter in hopes of exposing such occurrences.  She stated, “I don’t think my roommate has attended a single lecture since the first month of classes.  She was having a hard time adjusting to the college lifestyle and told me she was lonely.  That’s when she pulled the squirrel from her backpack.  The two have been inseparable since.  I can’t sleep anymore due to the chirping and chattering amongst the squirrel and my roommate; it’s as if they’ve developed their own language.  Also my room smells like a peanut factory.  I’m allergic to nuts.”

When asked if she had contacted her floor’s Resident Advisor, she confirmed that yes, she had however he too had a squirrel.  As you can see, it’s not only freshmen that have fallen victim to the greedy love extracting campus pests.

As we quickly approach November, please note many beards you see on strapping lads heading to classes are not in honor of “No Shave November” but for adequate nesting material for squirrels as winter approaches.

Laugh if you wish, but please, heed our warnings.  Squirrels will corrupt you with their beady little eyes, lush, fluffy tails, and adorable antics.  Avoid them at all costs for your academic future and the future of this great University.