Campus Police found the missing windscreen of Pioneer Pete in a ditch Monday night.
Sometime between Oct. 15-16, police had believed someone stole the fence cover from the stadium, leaving Pioneer Pete’s feet behind.
“The hack job just proved that it was some student trying to get a cool decoration for their basement,” University of Wisconsin-Platteville Public Information Officer Paul Erickson said.
After bringing the fence cover back to the lab for an autopsy, they found it was not an act of theft, but an attempt by Pioneer Pete to remove himself from the windscreen.
Football fans who saw Pete last attached to the fence were brought in for questioning during the investigation. They came forward with statements that support the jailbreak theory.
“I didn’t want to seem crazy, but before a game two weeks ago, I thought I heard Petey singing ‘Cut loose,’” Travis Rewis, a witness, said.
After some intense water boarding, police were able to get a statement out of the logo.
“We were hoping more people would come forward with statements, because Pete just wouldn’t budge,” Campus Police Chief Scott Marquardt said. “We tried playing the Barney song on repeat—it’s a method that usually gets us quick results—but I guess characters who look like serial killers stick together.”
After the confession, police questioned Pioneer Pete’s motive.
“I just wanted to follow my dreams of playing in the sequel of ‘Footloose,’” Pioneer Pete said. “If a car wouldn’t have driven by, I would have been more precise in my cuts, but I left my feet on the fence.”
When Pioneer Pete realized his feet were no longer attached to his body, the logo went into depression and wadded himself up in the ditch across the street.
“I sat there for weeks thinking about how my dreams were dashed,” Pioneer Pete said. “I just thought that I would have a chance auditioning for the role of Ren MacCormack, especially when the football helmet escaped from the fence to follow his dream of becoming a fathead, and when ‘It’s a Great Day to be a Pioneer’ escaped and followed her dream of finding other reasons why it’s a great day.
A blue screen has replaced Pioneer Pete on the windscreen, which has only further damaged Pete’s psyche, and led to depression-fueled alcoholism.
