Two years ago, The Antagonist wrote a profile of a fantastic young sophomore named Joe Kluever. That young man has grown into the student body president of the University of Wisconsin-Platteville.

While the picture of Kluever that readers got from that profile was slightly exaggerated with claims of extreme sexual prowess, that profile forgot to mention the saintly powers Kluever possesses.

Kluever was raised in the ghastly town of Bettendorf, Iowa, which he somehow kept from devolving into Satan’s armpit into which it is constantly drifting.

In his time in that hellhole, Kluever helped his parents open a wine bar. Kluever helped this venture with his power to turn water into low-alcohol wine, because he would never someone to overindulge in alcohol. When patrons at the bar would feel as though they could not drive, Kluever would give them piggy-back rides to their home.

“I mean this utterly and sincerely. Joe Kluever saved my life from depression, drug abuse and despair. All by saying, ‘Hi,’” said a Bettendorf businessman.

Upon arriving at UW-Platteville, Kluever rose through the ranks, going from ordinary student, to Writing Center worker, to the leader of a student governance organization that occasionally actually does something.

While the saintly life of Kluever has the highest highs, he does still experience lows.

The overpowering shadow of Kluever has caused Vice President of Student Senate Joe Sigwarth to be referred to as, “the other Joe,” which Sigwarth has vehemently opposed in vain to this point.

“Being ‘the other Joe’ hurts sometimes. All I have is soft serve ice cream and eggs. Joe Kluever is an imposing figure. He’s great. Everyone loves him,” Sigwarth said.

When Kluever was told of Sigwarth’s comments, he said he will step down from his presidency in December and allow Sigwarth to take over.

Kluever turned down the Catholic Church’s offer to be the Pope, instead following his destiny to be the watcher of unborn children, fathers, immigrants and workers.