In response to administration pressures to do something about the wasteful general education curriculum, members of the English program at the University of Wisconsin-Platteville have proposed a radical cost-saving measure.

“By the power vested in me as Chair of the Department of Humanities,” begins the proclamation from Teresa Burns, “I hereby declare these truths to be self-evident.”

Burns’ missive then runs through 10 pages sprinkled with “whereases,” “therefores,” “be it resolveds” and Oxford commas.

“Finally,” she concludes, “I proclaim that every incoming student at UW-Platteville who is, by virtue of general education requirements, mandated to enroll in English 1130, will enroll in the same section, said section to meet in Williams Fieldhouse from 6 to 9 a.m. on Wednesday mornings.”

The document is signed by all of the tenured members of the English faculty and one member of the instructional academic staff.

“This is effin’ brilliant!” said Provost Mittie Den Herder. “Terry is a genius.”

A sample syllabus accompanying the proclamation notes that the instructor of the course, who will be a member of the academic staff, will lecture about writing for 15 weeks. Students will be required to submit a single essay at the end of the semester based on what they have learned from the lectures; the grade on the essay will be the grade in the course.

“My understanding is that the academic staff person will have about 1,700 essays to grade, which is about average for the usual lecturer who teaches five sections and requires multiple drafts,” said English professor Dennis Ciesielski, who has long advocated for a more effective writing component in the general education curriculum. “Thank God I’m retiring.”