A Platteville-only Amber Alert has been issued following the disappearance of noted atheist-activist April Brake. Brake, a former philosophy major from Faithless, Ill., who settled in Platteville after graduating in 2005, was reported missing by former registrar Ed Deneen.

“I was browsing the Spring 2016 online calendar,” Deneen said, “when I noticed that April’s annual rally on a Friday early in her namesake month had not been scheduled.”

Fearing the worst, Deneen alerted the provost, the chancellor, the dean of students, the vice-chancellor of student affairs, dining services and the chancellor’s dog, none of whom seemed concerned. In desperation, he turned to the Antagonist, knowing this publication’s reputation for hard-hitting investigative fiction.

Even the Antagonist cannot pin down the reasons for Brake’s disappearance, but the careful creation of some imaginary context offers a few clues that alert readers will be able to use to leap to unfounded conclusions.

As has been well documented, Brake’s rallies burgeoned in recent years from simple Friday events into four-day weekends. The university, instead of fighting the popularity of the rally among students, canceled classes in past years on both Friday and Monday.

“We need to accommodate the wishes of students on campus, the vast majority of whom are atheists,” said a high-ranking administrator who asked not to be named. “Our transparency and respect for diversity are legendary, and we intend to stay the course.”

Such an enlightened strategy is gratifying to atheists, who are known to despise attending classes on those days, especially during the spring rabbit hunting season. The cancellation, however, had the net effect of lengthening the semester by an entire week in order to reach the university’s stated goal of 45 classroom hours for a three-credit course. Monday-Wednesday-Friday courses were adversely affected by Brake’s popularity, leading to speculation that deadly internecine rivalries were developing among students who despised the interruption to their studies and the longer semester.

At an anti-rally held on a Thursday when not much was happening, members of Students for Peas and Carrots expressed their relief at the disappearance of Brake.

“The atheists were going to expand their efforts and marginalize non-atheists,” shouted SPC Dictator For Life Daniel Rama, a student leader who has clashed publicly with Brake in the past. “Let’s hope the atheist Brake never comes back!”

The crowd of 17 non-atheists roared approval.

“We must make Platteville great again!” shouted Jan Mashtami, another of Brake’s public rivals and SPC’s minister of defense. Again, the crowd roared.

“All I know is, we do what the Platteville school district tells us to do,” said campus calendar director Will O. Muche. “I have no idea what happened to April Brake.”