Here are my top five tips to get through this holiday season without showing up in the crime reports.

1. Eat all of the desserts before the party starts. If you eat them all before the party begins, no one can comment on how many cookies you’ve had. Not that it matters, Linda. Geez.

2. Open everyone’s gifts before they can. That way you aren’t surprised when Grandma buys you another ten pack of plain white socks that aren’t even your size. Get the disappointment out beforehand.

3. Make the white elephant gift something that only you would want. If you’ve been looking for an excuse to buy yourself that pair of shoes or that new perfume or cologne, just put it in the white elephant pile and when someone picks it out and doesn’t want it, offer to swap gifts with them.

4. Bring a disposable camera to the office party. What better way to get out of doing your own work than some good, old-fashioned blackmail? One-of-a-kind pictures of your coworkers absolutely sauced off spiked eggnog are no match for easily shared iPhone photos.

5. Stay home. Just don’t do the holidays. Ignore anyone who brings it up and refuse to spread that holiday spirit. It’ll make people mad, but only if they’ve never worked retail or food service jobs during the holiday season.

I hope you can employ some of these tactics and tips this holiday season.

Note: these tips will work for anyone and if they don’t work for you, then you did it wrong. Try again. Also, I’m not liable for any injuries that grandma gives you from that cookie thing.