Welcome back, everyone! I am so excited to tell you all your monthly readings based on your zodiac sign. Now last time I got a complaint about one of the zodiac signs, but that means they couldn’t handle the truth. So let us get into it! I’m not holding back!

Aries (March 21st-April 19th): According to Wiki, Aries is a positive sign, which as my boss likes to say, “good on ya,” so take this as a sign to go back to your roots and be positive.

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): According to Wiki, Taurus was the first zodiac that the Mesopotamians created. So, hear me out. First is the worst. The second is the best. The third is the one with the treasure chest.

Gemini (May 21st- June 20th): According to Wiki, you are the most perceptive sign. So, I feel as though you already know how your month is going to go because you are so preceptive. So perceive your own month.

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): According to Wiki, I am sorry to break this to you, but you are one of the negative signs. Though I’m not sure what that means, take that as a sign.

Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): According to Wiki, your sign is “tropical” because you are ruled by the sun. Everything is probably working out for you, so you don’t need me.

Virgo (August 23rd- September 22nd): According to Wiki, your sign is based on a story from Greek mythology about a woman named Astraea who was the last to go to Olympus, which I guess means Virgos have a connection with the Earth. Congrats.

Libra (September 23rd-October 22rd): According to Wiki, you are represented by a scale that was the influence of Lady Justice. I’m going to guess that you are going to solve a major problem in your life. You are doing better than most people, so good on ya.

Scorpio (October 23th- November 22nd): According to Wiki, so you are a water sign represented by a scorpion. That must sting! Get it? Sting? Like how scorpions can do that thing with their tail? Never mind. Sorry.

Sagittarius (November 23rd-December 21st): According to Wiki, you are represented by the centaur. I guess it’s a pretty big deal in Greek mythology. You are supposed to be really smart. I hope that’s true.

Capricorn (December 22nd- January 20th): According to Wiki, you are supposed to be really smart. Don’t tell Sagittarius, but you are probably smarter than them. Shhhhhh.

Aquarius (January 21st- February 18th): According to Wiki, water carriers are what your symbol is. I bet it has some type of historical meaning, but it makes zero sense to me. Could have been a little more creative. So maybe your creativity is lacking recently.

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): According to Wiki, Pisces is represented by two fish that talk about different personalities that complement each other. Honestly, I’m not sure if that’s correct, but maybe go fishing or something.