Everybody needs food to survive and function at the highest level we are able to. I guess being offered the bare minimum of substance and charged $4.95 for it is how campus sustains their students. You think the dining options are slim now? Imagine how slim you actually would be if you had allergies, food sensitivities or were vegan.  

Before I get into all my gripes about the dining options, I would like to stand up for “Dining Dollars.” The program gives me the accessibility to buy food whenever and wherever I want. 

Oh, I skip my 8 a.m. class and want to treat myself? I buy a donut. It’s suddenly 3:30 in the afternoon and I have not eaten anything? I buy gluten free mac n’ cheese. 10 p.m. rolls around and I’m craving some Cheetos? I go to GWAM, buy the bag and eat the entire thing in one sitting because I love the color orange. 

“Dining Dollars” give you the flexibility to eat whenever, and you never have to commit to a schedule. If using “Dining Dollars” on a regular basis, you too can have commitment issues like me, kaCHOW. 

Anyway, now for the death blow. The menu has mystery meat for Bridgeway once again. Yum, my favorite. Along with the live chickens, your insides will be going for a joy ride in no time. 

Campus feeds thousands of students daily, which is no small feat. However, making hundreds of students sit on the toilet after feeding them is also no small feat. 

Okay, so now you avoid Bridgeway Stations because your innards always become your outards after every meal there. The GWAM grill is a pass after having two rocks for buns and a rubber chicken in the middle. And there is no music being played. I miss being rick-rolled.  

The Haus is the same thing as GWAM, just farther away and with smaller patties. Pioneer Crossing has the most diverse options, but students slam the place at exactly noon so unless you voluntarily join the apparent rugby practice, you will not be eating until a sharp 12:15 p.m.  

Campus food consistently takes down its students, I mean, opponents, making it our most decorated university team. The current score is 53 to 7 and it doesn’t look like the other team is able to make a comeback.