Cherry Lemon

The Judicial Opportunity Kash Efforts has announced another delay with giving student aid funds to current and new college students for the 2024-2025 school year. Although, with their recent presentation about the delays, they have also released the new way of determining aid for students.
“We will be throwing out the typical tax bracket info and will be doing a talent show to determine which students really deserve money to continue their education. We need to see some talent, we do not want talentless losers going to school,” JOKE representative Dee Layd said.
JOKE announced this to financial aid offices across the nation on Feb. 32 and received 30,909 hate emails, 65,734 angry voicemails and one very confused pigeon within three hours of the announcement. Due to the backlash, the president of JOKE, Waytin Lounger, came out to state more about why having a talent show is the “best way” for determining aid.
“We ran out of ideas in making this whole process the worst for students, so we decided a talent show would be both embarrassing and demeaning. The questions that we had created in the past impacted students of divorce or single parents the most because we wanted to give them more trauma. Also to be able to enter the talent show, you have to bring both parents to watch you,” Lounger said.
Lounger went on to describe that students that only have one parent are “out of luck” and that “if it means less money for them, it’s more money for me.”
Outraged college students are threatening to drop out of college completely because they refused to participate in the talent show. “I do not have a talent, nor do I have one that fits in their parameters. I know that everyone is struggling for money right now, but I’d rather join the work force than have to humiliate myself,” said Allie Oop.
The talent show is not open to all talents, rather the student must perform a rendition of “California Gurls” by Katy Perry, while crying and completing stoichiometry problems. The “talent” show will be broadcasted worldwide for everyone to tune in.
Students have stopped registering for classes for the following semester to get their point across and some have begun to protest outside of the JOKE office. “We will not back down and never give up. You are all bluffing, you will not drop out,” Lounge said.