UW-Spitewater has released three new sports into the WIAC system: Catachappling, ChessBoxSpellingbee and Football 2. Spitewater’s athletics director, Rydon Richards, is under fire for a leaked phone call regarding the additions. These sports have been released for next semester, though training had proved dangerous and unsuccessful for hapless Platteville athletes.
Catachappling, according to the SCC (Spitewater Catachappling Committee) is derived from a “classic Midwest sport” of spearing apples and flinging them across a grass field. Players are pitched a 5-pound ball by a member of the opposite team and must spear it with a sharpened stick and fling it as far as possible, similar to Shot Put. Athletes have reported broken fingers and bones from the ball, as well as one accidental impalement. Exponent research has found no evidence of this game existing and assumes it to be an attempt to injure players as easily as possible.
ChessBoxSpellingbee is exactly what it sounds like; students must play chess while boxing and participate in a spelling bee between rounds. After ten turns of chess, the board is removed, and athletes must box for 45 seconds. After 45 seconds, each athlete is asked to spell a word. The game ends when someone is checkmated, fails to spell a word or is knocked out. Game rules require athletes to wear formal attire and to be part of the campus Collegiate Spelling Team.
Football 2 is Spitewater’s biggest athletic adventure, allegedly requiring two years of review and structuring. “We took the boring old sport of football and added some new spins, easier to chea- I mean, easier for… uh… It’s new! That’s cool!” Richards stated. Football 2 includes an ‘enhanced’ ball equipped with steel plating. The home team is allowed to have 5 extra members on the field, with a 200ft circular stadium required for play. UW-Spitewater took a major cut from the arts department to fund the construction of Rydon Richards Stadium, the only football 2 stadium in existence. 14 additional staff members are required on each team to coach the 2 new positions, gunslinger and rogue.
Richard’s leaked phone call includes the reasoning behind the new sports introductions. “We just need a win,” He was heard saying, referring to the pathetic loss that the men’s basketball team took this semester. “Those backwater pioneers won’t even know what hit them with these sports! We’ve been roiding up our spelling bee team and teaching our baseball players to aim for the groins. There’s no way Platteville stands a chance, especially because we hire all the refs!” Richards has denied the allegations of this leaked call, claiming that “That’s not my voice! I’m Rydon Richards, how dare you accuse me of cheating!” Upon the addition of these sports, UW-Spitewater has designed the tournament brackets, and has assigned Platteville as their sole competitor for the next semester.