Aries: You are going to suffer severely next time you eat at Bridgeway. Prepare yourself.
Gemini: Beware pianos and anvils dangling precariously above you.
Capricorn: Kwik Trip is going to discontinue your favorite snack.
Cancer: I have paid an Etsy witch to hex personally you.
Virgo: You are going to get alcohol poisoning this Halloween.
Leo: Your mistress is plotting your downfall to steal your fortune.
Scorpio: You’re going to sleep through your finals. All of them.
Libra: You have doomscrolled into your doom. Goodbye attention span.
Taurus: Your professor will hunt you for sport because you used generative AI.
Pisces: All the classes you wanted are full for next semester. Enjoy Intro to Super Senior.
Aquarius: Your favorite song will go viral on TikTok. Everyone will think you’re mainstream.
Sagittarius: You will be hit by the campus shuttle within a week. You will not get free tuition.