Lord Timothy Dexter is not someone most have heard of. The people preceding his death did their best to hide him from history.
Being uneducated, Dexter lacked many skills that fellow businesspeople had. This, fortunately, could be and was compensated for by a massive amount of luck. His first lucky break began when he spent his wealthy wife’s entire fortune purchasing Continental Dollars, which at the time were worthless. In some insane stroke of luck, the ratification of the constitution included a stipulation to honor Continental Dollars at 1% of face value. Having bought a mass amount for pennies on the dollar or less: Lord Dexter became extremely wealthy.
It is important to stress that Dexter wanted nothing more than to be included in the class of wealthy elites. It is even more important to mention that his wealthy neighbors had a large distaste for him and fed him horrible trading advice.
Taking the advice of his neighbors, Dexter purchased about 40,000 bed warming pans and sent them to the West Indies, unaware of the year-long hot climate. Realizing his mistake once he reached the West Indies, luck was on his side once again. Sugar plantation owners purchased the pans to stir vats of molasses and he once again profited. A neighbor then convinced him Newcastle needed coal. Dexter, having no knowledge of the large coal mine in Newcastle, sent a shipment. Miraculously, the coal mine had gone on strike, and he was able to sell at a huge markup.
With his wealth also came a mass number of eccentricities. Dotted across his property were massive statues, depicting an array of figures—including himself. Dexter, desperate for attention, eventually faked his own death and held a lavish funeral at his home. Upon seeing his wife ecstatic, he departed from his casket to confront her. When the guests saw him alive, he began to meander around the funeral and greet everyone. In his desire to fit in, he granted himself the title of Lord and instructed his servants to address him as such.
In a further attempt at fame, a novel was produced. Dexter had little knowledge of the written word, but that did not stop him. “A Pickle for the Knowing Ones” was printed and handed out for free. This book was full of grammatical and spelling errors and featured no punctuation. In a second edition, a full page of punctuation was printed, with Dexter instructing readers to, “peper and solt it as they plese.”
Upon his death, his fame was stuffed away from history. Dexter was buried in a small, unlavish cemetery. As we near the 217th anniversary of his death, we should celebrate someone so eccentric. To quote the preface from his book, “We ne’er shall look upon his like again.”
