Besides delicately crafting the 15th useless version of the university’s listless strategic plan, twice a year all University of Wisconsin-Platteville faculty are forced to attend meetings for the college. Even tenured professors HAVE to go to these critical college conclaves so that faculty can demonstrate to the legislature that they actually do something around here besides nap and blow off students.

At this year’s annual meeting of the College of BIMBO, faculty were totally astonished to learn something they didn’t know. C-BIMBO Dean Webber Kettle broke the newz during one of those pointless-power presentations.

“I needed to give the Assistant to the Dean’s Dean something to do,” Kettle steamed.  “And the ADD learnt while observing kidz at Student Central that kidz these daze are doing this rubbie-thing with their portable mobile land lines.” 

“Some kidz told the ADD that it’s called Social & Media, and it’s here. S&M is really important because Suckerborg, from Harvard, invented it. And all of the kidz these daze are doing it. Sorta like weed in the sixties but more similar to technological masturbation.”

Kettle con-tinued, “Your Almighty UW-Platt Administration believes S&M can save this sinking ship. We’re gonna start doing S&M, and because all of the kidz these daze pay attention to S&M, they’ll see us doing S&M and think we’re cutting edge and wanna come here. Suckers.”

A collective “Woot” went up from the paintings in the Bore Gallery where this semester’s annual C-BIMBO meeting was held. 

As the now (and finally!) humbled faculty trolled outta Bore Gallery, ur enterprising Antagonist investigative reporter tackled the last straggler out the door and asked what they thought about faculty finally having to deal with something modern.  

“Wow!” stated the university’s only self-described media genius DocEss. “I wisht eyed knowed ‘bout dis S&M sooner. Eye coulda axeually dumb sumptin’ useful, like puts 2-gether a curriculum.  Missed opportunity eye guess. Sorry students.”

And it’s that forward looking modern leadership from the faculty that will pull UW-P out of its declining enrollment nose dive.