Aries: March 21 – April 19
Four of Pentacles
The Four of Pentacles tells me of your financial and material security. It doesn’t talk much, so that’s pretty good, honestly.
Taurus: April 20 –May 20
The Sun
The Sun brings many things. I see in your future… well, hold on. I can’t see anything right now, the sun is in my eyes. Let me move over under this tree – no, I’m fine, just give me a second, I’ll give you your reading once I have the sun out of my eyes – no, really just give me a second – no, stop, don’t leave, let me give you your reading – I’m not a fraud I just have the sun in my… never mind. Just keep reading, kid. The moment is lost.
Gemini: May 21 – June 20
Nine of Pentacles
The Nine of Pentacles signifies financial victory. Your own work is a direct product of your hard work and personal dedication to your success. In other words, your appeal for your parking citation will be appealed this week.
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
Ace of Spades
Oh, I guess I accidentally dropped that card in there. I usually “utilize my outside resources” with this ace in my cards games, but you didn’t hear that from me. I see another poker night with my guys in my future! Those poor suckers. Anyways, sorry pal, no reading for you.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
Seven of Cups
This card speaks to your deep conscience and imagination. I, however, can reveal the meaning to your surface level conscience. The Seven of Cups means [REDACTED].
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
The Five of Wands
The Five of Wands tells you that struggle and aggravation are upon you. Good luck and send a postcard when you get through it all!
Liberia: September 23 – October 22
Queen of Pentacles
The Queen of Pentacles provides a financial role model for you to follow. Wait, hold on, there’s been like three Pentacles in this reading. First Aries, then Gemini, and now you Liberia? This must be a sign for me. I need to pay my rent. But, uh, this reading is for you. Go call your mother, or something, I don’t know.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Queen of Swords
The Queen of Swords signifies something that I can’t remember.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
The Moon
The Moon reflects the presence of an illusion in your life. Perhaps your cardboard cutout of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson playing the role of Doctor Bravestone from Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle and Jumanji: Next Level is not actually Dwanye “The Rock” Johnson.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
Wheel of Fortune
This means you are invited on the hit television show The Wheel of Fortune. Pack your bags and get ready to buy some vowels!
Aquarium: January 20 – February 18
2020 Tampa Bay Rays First Baseman Ji-Man Choi Baseball Card
Ah, yes, Ji-Man Choi. The beloved first basemen to the 2020 World Series participating Tampa Bay Rays. Did you see his performance in the sixth game of the World Series? Oh, it was amazing. He saved a few catches by doing the splits. Classic Ji-Man Choi. Anyways, keep the card. The Rays will be back next year.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
Uno Reverse Card
Oh! What a spicy way to end the horoscopes this week! Alright, since it’s a reverse card, you have to give me a reading!

Carot Deck: All my birthday cards from the past 5 years