Now that college students are over halfway through their first full semester on Zoom University (ZU), ZU is finally pledging to make the updates to their service that we have all been asking for since March.
The creator of ZU, Bou R. Geoisie, announced in a viral video he pre-recorded on the app and then shared via his YouTube channel, New Money Bou, the company’s plans for the apps.
“We have heard the pleas of all you exhausted college kids and we want to make it easier for you all to wake up two minutes before your class starts.”
According to Geoisie, one of the newest key features of the Zoom app will be the “attentive pre-recording feature.” This update will allow students to record themselves during an online lecture. Then, after the lecture is complete, they will be able to download the video of them looking somewhat attentive and vehemently nodding every few minutes to show that they have definitely been paying attention to their computers. During the next lecture, they can project the footage of themselves paying attention from the previous lecture.
“It doesn’t seem like it will work, but honestly, who cares … I’m in it for the money and the memes,” Geoisie said in his YouTube video.
The attentive pre-recording feature will allow the student to change the pattern of their clothing, along with their hairstyles and makeup, in a way similar to the creation process of a Sims character.
“Honestly, I think that professors are so starved of actual human connection that they will take seeing the same recording over a blank screen every day,” ZU professor of political theater Burnt T. F. Out said.
Another new update coming to the app is the “education soundboard.” This soundboard will be free for download. Students will be able to record themselves saying ambiguous phrases such as “Yes,” “No,” “Maybe,” “I don’t know,” and “Well, anything is possible in this political climate.”
However, users should be warned that if the app picks up the words “let me just play devil’s advocate,” it is programmed to self destruct immediately.
“We were going to have the app do a complete search on the device’s browser history when it registered phrases such as ‘play devil’s advocate’ or ‘I’m not racist, but,” but then we figured that’s too much responsibility on our shoulders. We don’t need the FBI looking to us for answers; they might get chummy with the IRS, and the last thing I need is my tax returns on the front page of the New York Times,” Geoisie said.
The last major feature being added is a preventative feature to combat Zoom bombing. Soon, if an ill-willed student wishes to bomb a Zoom meeting they will have to provide the app with a complete military strategy. If the Zoom’s programming finds the strategy weak, the bomber will be sent an email with a link to a website where they can play chess against online opponents.
However, if their strategy passes, the person whose Zoom is set to be bombed will be sent word of the impending attack immediately and provided with several fighter pilots to fend off the attack.
“May the best strategist win!” Geoisie said.