In the past week, the University of Wisconsin-Platteville has lost hundreds of students in impaling accidents.

“We’ve lost count of human losses, and the rest of us are blocked on all walkways by Walkers,” said Liberal Arts and Education Dean Elizabeth Throop.

The cause for the shift from human to inhuman form is not known at this time, but the pattern seems to be an obsessive relationship with cell phones and other electronic devices.

“My friend and I were walking to class, and we were both on our phones, and when I looked up she wasn’t next to me,” says sophomore engineering student Ash Bouquet.

“And I look back and she had like impaled herself on the art sculpture.”

And yet the cause may not be so simple.

“Another theory for the spread of the disease stems from the budget crisis,” says professor Ann L. Asiss.

“Scott Walker created a veritable shit storm of mindlessness. Of course the consequences are going to be severed. I mean severe. He wanted, and so created, a world of Walkers he can control.”

Because hundreds are now afflicted with this as yet unidentified disease, the remaining student and faculty population is left to deal with the inhuman grunts and groans and all of the extra obstacles on the way across campus.

No matter the cause, students are now keeping their heads up and eyes open. They’re keeping their longboards in front of them like shields and keeping their cellphones tucked safely away.