The Exponent has debuted their new “Nature Friends Delivery Initiative (NFDI)”. Beginning Thursday, Nov. 3 readers will now have their copies of the weekly paper delivered by animals. The initiative is a response to recent policy changes regarding circulation managers driving on the sidewalk.

“We believe this is the best option for circulation,” managing editor D-Bo said. “With this service we can better utilize the high-tech resources at our disposal.”

The delivery will work on a tiered system: squirrel circulation will serve most of the campus and area businesses. For a $45 monthly fee, clients can opt for faster delivery via carrier pigeon. Sugar gliders can be an option for an additional $100 a month, which comes with a 10-minute petting session. The extra services will help supplement income for the Exponent while also providing quicker delivery times for customers, co-adviser Señor Cardgage said.

“We see this as a new way to draw interest in the Exponent,” Cardgage said. “Long-term, we think this will also allow us to invest in a steam engine that will power our own printing shop.”

Assistant circulation manager Bones cautioned that NFDI could lead to fewer openings for student employment, citing the shift of labor from student to furry friends.

“It sounds great in theory, but now I’ve got to figure out a new role with the Exponent,” said Bones. “Maybe I can see about servicing the printers in the office, or maybe even doing some reporting.”

Additionally, the Exponent staff have been researching alternate delivery services for outlying areas such as Dodgeville, Dubuque and Kuala Lumpur. Some possible alternatives include pneumatic tubes, zeppelins, and canons. The results, they say, have been mixed.

“We like the convenience of pneumatic tubes,” Cardgage said, “but the infrastructure just isn’t there. Canons are always fun, but if your aim is off just slightly you can take someone’s window out. And we’d still have to find a space to park the zeppelins.”

Rumors of a headline writing supercomputer could not be confirmed as of press time.