No parking, no new students

Last Friday, the Interim Dean of Students Melissa Gormley announced that the University of Wisconsin-Platteville will no longer be accepting new students.

“There’s just not enough parking,” Gormley said.

University staff floated several ideas to deal with the lack of parking spaces on campus, including destroying students’ cars while they were asleep. However, after a consultation with their legal team they decided against it.

“We figured the best course of action would just be to close down admissions for a couple years,” Gormley said, “In four years, when most of our current students have graduated, maybe we’ll start accepting new students again. As long as they don’t bring cars.”

Local senior, Carey Ford, has been in her car for the past two weeks trying to find parking. We tried to ask her what she thought of the announcement but when she pulled over to talk to us she immediately got a ticket.