Campus Mob tickets parking enforcement officers for loitering

Ticket to stick it to Parking Enforcement officers.

An angry mob formed on campus this week who decided to take matters into their own hands. The University of Wisconsin-Platteville Parking Enforcement Officers, PEOs, began receiving loitering tickets for always residing in the parking lots.

If you’re a UW-Platteville student, then you’ve probably seen at least one PEO a day. The PEOs drive around from parking lot to parking lot in a white Impala made before 2010, checking all of the meters along the way as well as enforcing the parking pass rules.

“I always see those vultures lurking around the corners of the meters, counting down the seconds before their precious parking time was up,” fourth year agricultural management major Dylan Krieger said.

He says he’s had upwards of six or seven parking tickets for “unnecessary reasons” where many times he’s failed to have them reduced or dropped.

Some students believe the PEOs give away many unnecessary tickets. Out of 30 students who have received two or more parking tickets were asked whether or not it was their fault, 27 believe it wasn’t and that the reasoning behind it was dumb.

We’ve made multiple attempts to contact the PEOs about their response to the students and we’ve been shut down every time. Platteville police claim they have no idea what the status of the situation is.

“Obviously the students have no jurisdiction over our employees. It’s just a prank. We do not plan to be changing anything we currently do,” said police officer Peter I. Gilligan.

Our PEOs are active all throughout the school day and can be seen anywhere. According to a recent survey of students who own a car, 99% of them who have received tickets have immediately wanted to go to 2nd Street to spend that money they now owe. The other 1% don’t drink but still have negative feelings towards the PEOs.

Many of the teachers who commute have even spoken out about how much they distaste the amount of times they have received parking tickets; they prefer to stay anonymous to ensure the safety of their job.

“It’s exhilarating when you get away with letting the meter go past its time,” accounting major Seth Kellums said. “My class was running late and I just knew [I got a ticket]. I had so much anxiety as their car drove up, but I got away just in time!”

Kellums has had many run-ins with parking enforcement, but he also knows many of them personally.

“They won’t respond to you, trust me. Sometimes I wonder if they just want to watch the world burn…”

*Thank you for reading the Exponent’s “Antagonist” issue. This article is satirical and none of the information in this article should be considered factual.