Stricter snow emergency parking is to be implemented effective immediately.  Campus Police have solved the parking predicament that has been plaguing the students on campus for ages.  After unanimous vote, students will now get to park their vehicles in a remote parking lot in Dubuque that has the capacity to hold 1,000 student vehicles.

Campus officials explained that there are always cars heading north from Dubuque, so it shouldn’t be hard to hitch a ride with a passerby.

“When I was a kid, I had to walk 40 miles in a blizzard to get to school every day!  Just get a ten speed or one of those razor scooters you kids like, and you’ll be fine” some old guy that is apparently still allowed to make policies said.

With the impending construction of an additional engineering building, another parking lot will be removed, making it even more difficult to park.  This issue sparked the policy change.  Some students aren’t very enthusiastic about the change.

“Wait are you serious?  Why can’t we just have another parking lot?” junior engineering student Juniper Jones said.

Many others echoed Jones’ concern. However, there is a small group of students that are in support of the policy change.

“I am so excited!  If I park my car at around 2:00 a.m., I should be able to make in back just in time for my 11:00 a.m. class!” cross-country running star Brooke Roe said.

Roe excitedly proclaimed that it is a wonderful conditioning opportunity for the upcoming cross-country season.

Another student, who is an avid proponent of the new parking regulations, is excited for the change.

“I haven’t been feeling challenged enough, so I’m excited for the opportunity to test myself more.  My Rubik’s Cube has started to bore me, and I haven’t had a panic attack in over a week, so the change is welcome” junior environmental engineering, engineering physics and chemistry triple major Copernicus Fredrickson said.

This has also excited local construction companies since, with students being able to park elsewhere, more engineering halls could be built in the remaining residence lots on campus.

“Who knows, maybe we can even make some more additions to the PAC.  The possibilities are endless now that we don’t have to worry about the students’ wellbeing!” a construction worker said.

Parking has started to negatively affect students.

“I still have nightmares about the last snow emergency.  I had to threaten a guy’s family to make him move his car so I could have his spot, but thankfully my lawyer says we can plea insanity.  I can’t even put my car in park anymore without having nightmares.  I just put it in neutral and hope for the best” John PleaseDon’tTicketMe said.

He had his last name legally changed after the conclusion of the last snow emergency.

*Thank you for reading the Exponent’s “Antagonist” issue. This article is satirical and none of the information in this article should be considered factual.