Platteville Police have arrested UW-Platteville student Ryann McDreamy for allegedly teaching her cat, Salem, how to steal from her neighbors. Items such as jewelry, homework, clothes and money started disappearing back in November of 2017, but police could not find any clues as to where the items may have gone. McDreamy’s neighbors became suspicious of her and her cat when McDreamy’s next-door neighbor witnessed the white cat running toward McDreamy’s residence carrying a small cloth bag.

“I worked late one night and I thought it was weird that Salem was outside by herself. I had seen her before outside because she likes to chase my pet butterfly, Butter, they’re best friends, but I’ve never seen her by herself. I couldn’t see what was in the bag but it looked full of something. It was all really weird,” said junior music education major Patrick Dancer.

The next morning the police reported that several people reported missing several personal items. Police chief Roger Bluewater explained in a press release that due to the increase of theft in the area surrounding the campus, he has reason to believe the thief was a student, and the police are on the case. The only clues that Bluewater found at each crime scene were cat hair and donut crumbs but ruled out the crumbs after he realized they fell from his beard.

Dancer reported what he saw to Bluewater and the police began their investigation there. Bluewater’s team watched McDreamy’s apartment for a week as the cat came and went with the bag. They racked up a pretty high donut and coffee bill during the investigation, but their observations were enough for a judge to sign a warrant for them to search the property.

“What we found was amazing. Not only did she have the complete Fifty Shades series but she also had everyone’s missing items there. She had everything categorized in piles. I flipped through her Fifty Shades books and found out she was writing a paper about it. But anyway, Salem seemed to steal people’s homework more than anything else,” said Officer Dewey LaMort.

McDreamy claimed she was innocent, that it was all her cat’s fault, but the officers thought differently. They believe that it took years of training for Salem to learn how to learn how to sneak into people’s houses in order to steal their belongings.

*Thank you for reading the Exponent’s “Antagonist” issue. This article is satirical and none of the information in this article should be considered factual.