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Editor’s Note: In order to remain relevant, we at the real Fake News Antagonist have to follow the current trends of the fake Fake News media.  Because the fake Fake News media publishes entire tweeters from President Grump, we will publish entire emails from UW-Platteville administration. A very important email follows.  And remember, ee make it up!  You Decide!

SUBJECT:  UW-Platteville Academic Planning Hail Mary

TO:  All Campus Droids (Faculty, Staff, Students)

UW-Platteville has launched its Academic Planning Hail Mary.  In an environment of no freaking money and even fewer freaking students, we must offer a hip array of academic programs for survival.  We offer no examples, other than tuition, but we hear that higher education is changing uber fast. We must fabricate UW-Platteville students for trendy 21st century careers and boss lives as human capital, never mind the slave connotation.  You want trendy?  WallyMart just gave out raises to its droids.  You want hip?  Social media seems kinda important.

This dictatorship will grow, gut and cut whatever programs we wanna. We’ll use tea leafs, Facebook hashtags and YuGiOh cards to position our program array to best serve up our droids to employers like Toys Wuz Us.

We will give the consultant firm Sixty Shades of Gray a lot of money to tell us what we want to do. Like that new Hemp Cultivation major.  Students in the pointless Liberal Arts at UW-Platteville, Baraboo and Richland can all get bent.  The Program Evaluation System uses magic-informed strategic analysis in real time.  This eliminates the need for faculty input.  Additional hip and trendy new ideas will be requested from Google Searches and Alexis. For free!!!!

Participants outside of administration who are interested in these activities, including the Program Portfolio Enema Workshop, can just go away. Useless drama, let alone critical thinking, is not needed.

Pretend Provost Wooduff Wilson has established a Sham Steering Committee to jam this project through the darkness. The reality TV lead is Bad Acting Assistant to the Associate Provost Hagen Daze, and strategic assistance is being provided by Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and Internal Bowel Obstruction to UW-Platteville.

  

Hagen Daze, Ph.D.

Bad Acting Assistant to the Associate             Provost

University of Wizconsin-Platteville

666 Walled Garden

1 Topping University Pizza

Platteville, WI 53666

Phone: 608-321-LMAO

[email protected]

*Thank you for reading the Exponent’s “Antagonist” issue. This article is satirical and none of the information in this article should be considered factual.

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