Pioneer Pete is a beloved mascot whose lack of presence has the students wondering, “Where did Pioneer Pete go?” His lack of visibility and presence around campus in stark contrast to the weather has some of the UW-Platteville students worried about him potentially developing Seasonal Affective Disorder or “sad”.

“I think Pete feels as if he’s not needed on campus. The toddlers from the children center knock him around, and some of the college students seem to fear him. Something about his eyes being “Soulless” and his paler than pale skin reminding them of “corpses” and “haunted dolls from their nightmares.” So, they simply speed walk the other direction or else they try to hide in the bushes,” journalism professor Lois Lane said.

Most college students don’t mind Pioneer Pete, but they like to avoid interaction with him and his axe as much as they possibly can. We walked past the graveyard on campus and ran into a questionable girl sitting on the curb.

“Don’t you like know that Wisconsin is like totally a hotspot for like serial murders and supernatural events? If you watch Supernatural on TV, there’s a lot of haunting in this state and Minnesota that Sam and Dean go to get rid of,” Sammi Valley said. She doesn’t go here but she likes to hang out in the graveyard. Don’t do that.

Pioneer Pete was actually captured on film by an anonymous photographer on campus. Pioneer Pete was seen traipsing through the campus solemnly as if he was contemplating his life. Simply dredging through the snow with an axe in hand, Pioneer Pete was the epitome of a graduating senior who has yet to find a job.

*UPDATE: It has been confirmed that Pioneer Pete was depressed and thinking about how to change up his image to make him more appealing to the public. Pioneer Pete was most likely suffering from the eternal winter that has yet to end and is coming back from Spring Break in Cabo. He’s back in action and feels much better after the break.

*Thank you for reading the Exponent’s “Antagonist” issue. This article is satirical and none of the information in this article should be considered factual.