Boxer-Brief Police Reports

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Oct. 22

Tessa Turnerton, 20, Platteville. 911 Caller advised that a girl was on his front porch at 3 am. Police arrived to find the subject sitting there carving a pumpkin while humming “The Monster Mash.” When questioned as to why she was there, she told officers that the pumpkin on the porch needed to be carved for Halloween. She was charged with trespassing.

Platteville Sara Squirrel, 7, Platteville. Platteville Steven Squirrel, 8, Platteville.  Platteville Sasha Squirrel, 6, Platteville. Platteville Seth Squirrel, 9, Platteville. Platteville Sophia Squirrel, 7, Platteville. Platteville Scott Squirrel, 9, Platteville. Platteville Sebastian Squirrel, 8, Platteville.  A caller on Main Street reported that “Drunk Squirrels” were preventing him from getting into his house. Officers responded to find a several squirrels on the porch of the property with Miller Lite cans scattered around them. They were cited for disorderly conduct and open intoxication. 

Matilda Monroe, 21, Platteville. Officers approached subject in The Public House. She was dancing on the pool table with a full box of pizza when she dropped it. After she cleaned up the mess by eating the pizza she was charged with abuse to food.

Oct. 23

Patrick Patterton, 19, Platteville. Officer approached a man wearing a Minnesota Vikings Jersey. The officer took the contraband sports jersey and the man was cited for bad taste in football teams.

Pioneer Pete, 151, Platteville. Campus police received a call regarding a missing professor. As campus police looked for the professor, Pioneer Pete felt it was his duty to fill in for the missing english professor. He tried to teach the subject of transitive nouns by pointing to pictures on a PowerPoint but the students were not understanding the material because he could not speak. He was cited for inability to speak and failure to teach the lesson. 

Oct. 24

Cassi Role, 18, Platteville. 911 caller advised that a female tried to rob Dunkin’ Donuts. She pulled up to the window with a clear plastic bag over her head with a mouth hole cut out and demanded 15 donuts and an iced coffee. Police responded to the scene and found her in her car in the parking lot eating the donuts and drinking the coffee. She tried to get away by fleeing her car but soon got a stomach ache. She was cited for robbery and resisting arrest.

Natalie Nameless, 20, Platteville. Terra Teacher, 18, Platteville. Brian Bossman, 21, Lancaster. Zachariah Zebra, 19, Platteville. Morgan Mechanic, 21, Woodbury MN. Justin Jewlery, 22, Lake in the Hills IL. Police responded to a disturbance call in the basement of the Karramann Library. Upon further investigation police discovered a group of students swimming in the flooded basement of the library after the construction crew had gone home for the night. The students were cited for improper use of swimming techniques and trespassing on a construction site. 

Oct. 26

Vanessa Vontrap, 21, Rewey. Police came across a female napping in the Dean of Students office. When questioned, she said that the sound of people typing on a computer keyboard put her to sleep. She was cited for improper place to nap.

Mackena Monorail, 20, Platteville. Student obtained a faculty parking pass by lying to campus police saying she was a new professor on campus and was found out when campus police observed her leaving her parked car in a faculty lot. When asked why she did it, the girl complained about the lack of commuter parking on campus. She was cited for being lazy and lying to officials. 

Tracy Tractor, 18, Platteville. Caller told police that she lost her pet turtle while playing fetch with it outside. Officers arrived and helped the female look for the pet. When it could not be found, officers cited her for reckless abandonment. 

Oct. 27

Felisha Fraction, 23, Platteville. Police pulled over a female for speeding down main street. When questioned she explained that she had to get home because NBC hit new drama series, Platteville: Life of the Party, was on and she could not miss it. She was cited for speeding. 

Gretta Gunter, 19, Platteville. Officers approached a female who appeared to be texting while walking. Upon further observation they realized she was playing Pokémon Go. The officers joined in on the girl’s Pokémon hunt and caught a Pikachu. She was let go with a warning to watch where she walked.  

Oct. 28

Zachary Ziptie, 18, Belmont. Codie Control, 22, Platteville. Ali Alibi, 20, Platteville. Police received a complaint of suspicious behavior on Irene St.  When officers responded they discovered that it was a group of people playing flashlight tag. They were given a warning and let go. 

Oct. 29

Elizabeth Elephant, 21, Platteville. Dalton Denver, 21, Lancaster. Rebecca Rooster, 22, Boscobel. 911 caller complained about a noise on Market street. When officers arrived, they found a group of 3 people playing drunken twister on the front lawn. Officers assisted the trio in finishing the game and let them off with a noise warning. They were advised to play indoors from now on. 

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