Jenny Craig brings new healthy options to campus

The squirrels of UW-Platteville accept the challenge to fight against obesity

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Jenny Craig spokesperson Kirstie Alley arrived on campus to intervene on the behalf of the resident squirrels.  Expert intervention became necessary after one of the many overweight squirrels was spotted devouring a supersized Egg McMuffin meal and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

“We’ve all been there! With the help of Jenny Craig, I was able to still eat the foods I love while the pounds just melted away,” Alley said.

Reportedly, the squirrels no longer run, jump and play. They simply roll from one location to the next, looking for food.

“They haven’t climbed a tree in weeks! I guess it’s just too much cardio,” junior English major Molly Bartell said.

The dilemma with the squirrels reached a tipping point when the line at the Pioneer Perk became impossibly longer when the squirrels flooded in, looking for their pumpkin spice lattes.

“The line for coffee is long enough without these obese tree rodents!” junior environmental engineering student Kathryn Biels said.

Upon further investigation into one of the many squirrel nests on campus, massive fast food hordes were uncovered, much to the discoverer’s dismay.

“I found a squirrel’s nest, and instead of acorns, I found chimichangas. I guess eating nuts all day isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.  Get it? Cracked up? Because they’re nuts?” freshman agriculture major Tim Beanie said.

The squirrels agreed to a public weigh-in when Jenny Craig offered to pay for a month’s worth of meals.

“I have never seen a squirrel that weighed ten pounds before!” junior electrical engineering major Kyle Myteacup said.  

A few of the squirrels took a moment to reassure each other that they would find love one day, no matter what their bodies looked like, before hightailing it out of there.

After undergoing a rigorous fitness regime and adhering to the famed Jenny Craig diet, the squirrels shed those unsightly pounds and are now once again able to roll over in bed without the assistance of their caregiver, Matilda Blonk.

“It took a lot of elbow grease to roll those little sausages over. None of them ever got a bed sore. Not once! And now I’m out of a job thanks to Jenny Craig,” Blonk said.

Unfortunately, Alley declined to comment on the squirrels’ incredible success since one of the squirrels, in a fit of hungry rage, bit off the tip of her pinky.

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