Coaches spill the tea

Vacation time for academic coaches.

To honor and call out what are clearly the busiest and hardest working people on campus, administration is going to throw a “Sit Back Relax and Take a Much-Needed Break Picnic.”

This groovy event is only open to all of the university’s oxymoronic academic coaches. That’s right!  Every single one.

The university’s fulltime associate event planner Ross Smirk says, “Screw sports. The academic coaches are the most successful coaches on campus. Unlike any one else around here, they actually put in full days. Retention at the university is up 420 billion percent. We know that for every student that the university forces beyond their will to stay here, sorry, I mean retains, the university saves a million dollars. True transparent fact. Thanks to our academic coaches, it means we can afford an Art Department.”

By bringing all of the campus’s uber successful and desperately needed 99 academic coaches into one place at one time, Smirk wants to use the event to encourage networking in a relaxing atmosphere.

“I hope the academic coaches will relax and chit-chat about things such as ‘How is the foliage in your office doing?’ Or, ‘What did you do this weekend?’ Or, ‘What are you weekend plans?’ And ‘What’s that you’re drinking?’ Or, ‘Did you see that thing on BookFace’ And most importantly, ‘What are you binge watching on Netflickers?’ 

“You know, the SBRTMNB-Picnic is meant to be a time for our productive and uber busy academic coaches to just sit around for once and jack-jaw the time away. There’s a budget to make the picnic an annual event because, unlike offering a broad range of majors that attracts women and students of color, the coaches’ picnic is actually really important to the future of this thriving and transparent institution.”

When provided with a description of and the hopes by administration for this groovy picnic, College of BIMBO academic coach Megatron Git said, “Ha! Jack-jawing the time away! That’s my job and what I do every hour every day any way. I wuvs irony. I’m so there. Wonder what we’re going to be drinking?”