Rock Simulator: A game not to take for Granite

We once again investigate the mind of Stan Stanminson …….

Morgan Fuerstenberg graphic

Morgan Fuerstenberg graphic

Geologists rejoice! Technology has graced us with another eye-opening opportunity: behold, Rock Simulator! Ever wondered what being a rock is like? In this RTS, FPS, JRPG, Sandbox game you get to see what it is like to be a sedimentary rock in the real world! 

Just like any true gamer, I made a cup of tea and put on my “give up life” pants (sweatpants) before I embarked on my life-changing adventure being a rock. I went into this playthrough blind, for I did not want any spoilers for the story. I took this precaution because I read in Forbes Magazine that this game made Oprah Winfrey cry and I wanted to feel the same emotions she did. I was ready to play this gem of a game.

Upon launching the game, I was speechless, there was a cozy log cabin with a couch and on that couch was a rock! I was moved to tears; the graphics were so realistic it felt as though I was in that room. There was also a coffee table in front of the couch and sitting on top of the table was the most detailed burger I have ever seen. For a game about rocks, the effort and detail put into that burger was astounding and foreshadows things yet to come. Without hesitation I clicked play.

I was brought to another menu and with amazement I saw that this game had multiplayer server capability so I could simulate being a rock with my closest friends! For the time being, I went with the single player mode. I was greeted with the option to choose the level I wanted to be in. There was a desert, a jungle, the plains, the cabin and so much more. I was crying tears of joy for the love put into this game. However, sadness hit me, for I was only a level one rock, and I could only play on the plains.

Upon entering the first level I was greeted with the most gorgeous scenery that I ever laid my eyes on. It was so beautiful that I am unable to describe the absolute beauty it possessed. It possessed the same energy as Brad Pitt holding a puppy in the middle of a Hallmark movie with Christmas lights in the background with light snow on the ground. After 15 minutes of marveling over the graphics, I started playing. The controls were easy to master since there is no movement at all: the camera does not move either, so it is like a picture of a rock on the screen. There was a little bar that slowly fills up and once it does you (the rock) gain a level. These levels help you gain rock points that act as a currency that can be used to unlock new maps and even new rock skins. These skins allow you to change your rock’s appearance and enhance the gameplay.

Rock Simulator made my brain make so much happy chemicals that while I was playing, I forgot what sorrow and sadness was; my worries ran away, there was no need to think about homework or differential equations, for I was only a rock. The only fear I had was the idea of erosion, but this was not a current concern for I was just sitting in a field with a beautiful sunset sitting above the horizon. I was at peace until I was taken out of the trance to the sound of my computer screaming in a perfect A flat. 

Last time my computer made this noise, I had four Google tabs open. However, upon closer inspection my cooling fans were at max power, for my system was working overtime to run the simulator. I then did a gamer move and looked at the current conditions for my PC. My CPU was running at 96 C and for those who make up the 2% of the world that is 204.8 F °. To put this hotness in perspective, water boils at 212 F °, humans die at 150 F °, and the standard computer goes into safety mode when it hits 90 C ° and then shuts down, but my PC: built different. 

At this point any normal gamer would turn off the game in fear it would damage their PC, but I saw this as a built-in feature. My computer now keeps my tea nice and warm while I play the game and my fans blow the heat right at my legs, so it is like a space heater. You know what they say, “all machines can be smoke machines.”

As I found a good stopping point in the game, I was ready to give my gamer opinion. For the appearance of the game, I saw that the developers said it was all ore nothing. It is a game that with not go shale over time. Rock simulator was truly a diamond in the rough and I give it 8 rocks out of 10.