Culture—that is what is missing from UW-Platteville. The students are spiritually castrated. There is no shelter for the soul in the American hellscape. The land of culture, so far out of reach.

Japan. It beckons to us. Although the land of the rising sun lies cruelly out of reach, we are able to receive . . . signals . . . that give us a glimpse of our homeland. I have been able to view these signals. I affectionately call them my “animes.” I will now be reviewing the top 10 animes of all time. 

10: My Hero Academia. This show follows a boy with green hair. Looking at the poster, he has several friends. They probably fight people. The people of Japan have a warrior’s spirit, unlike a certain country that comes to mind.

9: Akira: It follows a boy and his best friend. In the film, one of them rides a motorcycle and comes to a stop while the other one explodes. Kinetic poetry.

8: Seven Samurai: I started to get a little scared when I saw that this anime was in black-and-white, but I let out a sigh of relief when they started speaking in Japanese.

7: Grave of the Fireflies: This film follows Japanese children during World War 2. Finally, a film brave enough to say that war—is bad. 

6: Jujitsu Kaisen: Japanese teenagers fight monsters in this groundbreaking anime. Americans can only dream of understanding the complexities of monster-fighting.

5: The Wrong Trousers: Wallace and Gromit have to recover Wallace’s robo-trousers before they are used in a heist by an evil penguin. Very nuanced portrayal of British people from a Japanese perspective.

4: Ghost in the Shell: This film follows an anime robot girl who shoots guns and talks about philosophy. What’s not to like?

3: The Boss Baby: Family Business: Only the Japanese could animate such convincing Americans. Also, the historicity of the ninja-baby scene was astounding.

2: One Punch Man: The main character is so good at fighting that he gets sick of fighting. Who could ever get sick of fighting? What would I even watch?

1: It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown: Was there ever any doubt what the best anime of all time was? The greatness is self-apparent. I wouldn’t expect any stupid Americans to understand the intricacies of this monolith to Eastern culture.