Please Read Me I am Psychic


Butternut Squash graphic

Welcome, everyone! Remember that one “psychic,” Barb E. Cue? Yeah, well guess what? She turned out to be a fake! So, the Antagonist fired her and hired me because I am a certified psychic! No big deal or anything. Now I can provide you with the ultimate life advice and tasks you can do based on your zodiac sign! 

Aries (March 21st – April 19th): Okay, so hear me out on this one. It’s a three-step process: 1. Put on “High School Musical 2.” 2. Make sure you have the sing-along version. 3. Sing your little heart out. If you don’t know any of the songs or the plot of the movie, learn it. It’s for your own good. Trust me, I am psychic.

Taurus (April 20th – May 20th): Quick! Recite the alphabet backward within 20 seconds. If you cannot do this, then you are unaligned. Learn this skill. Become a professional. Enter some contests. Achieve some records. Trust me, I am psychic. 

Gemini (May 21st – June 20th): Find your twin. Switch places. Assume each other’s identities. Always wear the same outfit. Become the same person and on November 12, 2025, show your families and make everyone’s head explode and make them question their own reality. All I am saying is that it would be pretty funny and also you should trust me because I am psychic.

Cancer (June 22nd – July 22nd): Clap twice if you can read this through your tears. Good job, you are not crying hard enough. Just flush out your whole system, you cry baby. Trust me, I am psychic. 

Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd): Live, laugh, love. Trust me, I am psychic. 

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd): Remember that one Vine that went like, “When life gives you lemons” (“Thomas the Tank Engine” theme music plays), don’t make lemonade, there is just something about those lemons. Trust me, I am psychic. 

Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd): OMG this is my bestie Vanessa’s zodiac sign! Hi Vanessa! Trust me, I am psychic.

Scorpio (October 23rd – November 22nd): Okay, so remember that one time? I knew you would. I was like so crazy that night. And remember that one thing … Oh, this is not Vanessa. Disregard. Trust me, I am psychic. 

Sagittarius (November 23rd – December 21st): Please read this carefully. Do not watch “Footloose (2011).” 1. It’s a terrible movie and 2. All the actors are too old to play high schoolers. Trust me,  I am psychic. 

Capricorn (December 22nd – January 20th): Watch some of those ASMR videos, you seem a little tense. Trust me, I am psychic. 

Aquarius (January 21st – February 18th): Please refer to Leo’s zodiac sign … and do the opposite. Trust me, I am psychic

Pisces (February 19th – March 20th): Do not get that tattoo. You are going to regret it. Just draw it with a washable marker. Trust me, I am psychic.