Multiple Grand Old Party lawmakers and representatives across the country proposed during a Feb. 30 press conference multiple education-related legislative measure that would forcibly encourage employees of public school districts as well as first responder teams to search and destroy “threatening books.”

Among the throng of small-government-supporting Republicans and protect-my- kids-from-your-scary-words-like-gay conservatives who want to eliminate inclusive and robust education, a new subgroup of the ever-growing and infinitely wise group of politicians have emerged: the book burners.

Rep. Mildred Montag (TX-R) and Rep. Beatty Chief (MO-R) described their new legislation as “essential to keeping the peace among the rich, greedy, and well-off folks who’ve worked hard to inherit their father’s multinational oil/tech/mining/farming/timber/stock enterprise … these books’ social awareness and acute commentary on social inequalities threaten the very essence of these folks’ lifestyle.”

Rep. Montag went on to say, “We’re here to protect the good, honest folks who aren’t going to be doing any reading from these dangerous books. Elimination of these perspectives through outright banishment guarantees that no such education or learning may happen. That’s our ultimate goal here.”

Of the hundreds and thousands of “threatening” books listed, “Fahrenheit 451” lay among the greatest threats.

“I’ve read the book,” remarked Rep. Chief, “and it’s not that good. It’s full of bologna. Except for the infrastructure and command logistics through which the enforcement of burning books is maintained. I felt particularly inspired by their organization and commitment to such a noble and morally clear cause.”

Both Rep. Montag and Rep. Chief have implied that their plans would entail withholding funding from teachers until they comply as well as converting public services like EMTs and fire departments to burn squads, citing the excellent outline of Fahrenheit 451’s services.

“We firmly believe that our corporate spons—that, uh, that our constituents, my apologies, will benefit with peace of mind from our legislation. We want to be happy and peaceful. Nuance is poison, books are the fangs, and the authors are the snakes that bite our ankles. We’re here to dull the fangs so we don’t get bitten anymore,” Rep. Montag explained.

This legislation has not come without pushback, though.

Dr. Man Faber, professor of English at University of Arizona located in Tucson, AZ, laughed at the legislation.

“Clearly, these folks don’t understand the potency of their words,” he began, “or the consequences of their allowances of this sort of behavior. If they’re scared of books alone, wait until they meet the authors and the readers. ‘Burn the books,’ I say. They’ll never erase the commentaries or communities.”

Dr. Faber continued, “They have this idea that the book is what will hurt them. So they burn the book. They have the idea that the gay man, the emancipated woman, the immigrant, the poor sod on the street will hurt them. So they regulate gay spaces and studies of gay history. They regulate women’s bodies. They build walls. They put spikes on benches in parks.”

Dr. Faber elaborated further: “But what these lawmakers do not understand is the same thing their corporate sponsors don’t understand: humanity. You can try your hardest to erase the traces of humanity. Many, many have tried in the past to eliminate targeted groups.”

“But it’s almost impossible, Dr. Faber concluded. “Humanity’s dimmest light will always outshine its darkest shadow. Our curiosity, at the very least, and our good will, at most, will always dredge the swamps of the past and find the buried bones of tyrannical rule.”

After his obscene and offensive comments, Dr. Faber lost his tenure status at University of Arizona and was stripped of his doctorate, master’s and bachelor’s degrees from his respective alma maters.

He refused to publicly apologize after the matter. Days later, Dr. Faber was found dead with two gunshots from the back of the head and was ruled a suicide.