LCSW Associate Counselor,

University Counseling Services

For the past 10 years, one of the top concerns of students who use the University Counseling Services resources has been relationships.  A common myth in relationships is that you will never have a conflict or do something that hurts the other. In reality, occasional arguing and conflicts are a normal part of all human relationships, whether it is a romantic partner, roommate, family member or a close friend. Intimacy is not something that happens automatically. All relationships take time, energy and commitment on a regular basis to build trust.

Why is communication so important? Good communication allows for the equal expression of feelings, thoughts and opinions. Communication builds trust and honesty, and relationships must have these if they are to continue to grow. Being able to talk candidly about what you need, how you define what your relationship is and the agreements and expectations you have for your partner is a skill that many of us are not taught directly.

In a healthy relationship, each person also feels comfortable asking for what they want. If you recognize feeling afraid to communicate, feeling guilt for sharing your thoughts or emotions, or often sense that your partner is playing “mind games,” you may wish to examine the patterns of communication in your relationships.  Ask yourself the following questions and consider if the people most important in your life show signs of good communication: Are you honest with each other? Do you feel validated by the other person when you express yourself? If you ask the other person to lend an ear, do they concentrate on what you are saying and truly try to understand?

So where do you start if you find communication a challenge for your relationship? A common guideline for effective communication is to use “I” statements, rather than “you” statements. When “I” starts a statement, it can help to build communication.When “you” starts a statement, it most often is being used to assign guilt or blame. Statements that begin with “you” are often met with defensiveness and denial. Another tip is to take space from the conversation, as this can give you time to reflect on your attitudes and feelings.  If you are going to ask for a change from the other person, make sure your request is specific and realistic. Then, allow the person time to change and correct the situation.

Effective communication in a relationship can be difficult, but if both parties are willing to work at it, it can be the key to building happier and closer relationships. If you find that you are coming up short in communicating effectively in your relationship, consider meeting with a counselor. A trained professional can help to get your relationship heading in the right direction again. Resources and information can be found at University Counseling Services at 608-342-1865.